J. Peirano: The secret code of love - A good friend of mine kissed me when I was drunk and pushed me around, even though I didn't want him to
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
It may feel like a small thing and I know that much worse things happen to other women. But still, I can't let go of what happened two weeks ago.
I, 24, have what I thought was a good friend (Luka), there was always a certain attraction between us. He owns a club that I often go to. But I'm in a committed relationship and I don't think cheating is okay, and neither does my boyfriend. My boyfriend has always trusted me, but he doesn't like going out at night. There were always friends and girlfriends of mine in the club.
Two weeks ago, Luka pulled me into a quiet corner in the club and kissed me quite hard (with tongue) and told me: "Don't think about your boyfriend, just think about us and the moment." I was quite confused and went along with it at first, probably because I was no longer completely sober. I thought about what would happen if Luka got angry with me and I stopped coming to the club. When Luka tried to grab my blouse, I pushed him away and drove home.
I was pretty upset. On the one hand, I felt guilty towards my boyfriend. He has complete trust in me and gives me a lot of freedom, and then something like this happens! But I also feel somehow used by Luka. We've often talked about my boyfriend and he's always said that he respects that, even though he has more feelings for me. And then he comes on in such a cheap way and forces kisses on me.
I cried for hours at first. Luckily my boyfriend wasn't at home, so I was able to calm down first. I wrote to Luka the same night and said that I thought what he was doing was disrespectful and that I didn't want it. He wrote back really stupidly and said that he was drunk and that nothing had happened. When I wrote back again and said that I was hurt and angry, he wrote: "How many times should I apologize?"
He didn't apologize at all!
We've since bumped into each other once while partying in a bar and I've kept my distance. He always sneaked around me and told me not to be angry with him. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend about it. He might be hurt and feel bad if I go out without him in future. And what do I do with Luka?
What advice would you give me?
Kind regardsCarlaS.
Dear Carla S.,
I can well understand that you are confused, because what Luka did to you is not a minor faux pas or, as Luka says, "nothing happened". Under criminal law, a forced kiss could also be considered sexual assault. Compare your experience with the prominent situation in Spanish women's soccer. Last summer, the president of the Spanish Football Association, Luis Rubiales, kissed the player Jennifer Hermoso on the mouth, causing a huge scandal. In the end, Rubiales had to resign from his post.
Many women imagine that sexual assault or rape happens out of the blue and by strangers, e.g. when a woman is followed and assaulted by a stranger on her way home. The statistics show a completely different picture: sexual harassment, coercion and even rape happen in the vast majority of cases in social settings. The perpetrators are partners, ex-partners, dating partners, superiors, colleagues, teachers, etc.
Precisely because you trusted Luka and didn't see it coming that he would cross the line you had set, you were initially confused and shocked and unable to defend yourself appropriately. This happens very often, which is why it is no longer important when assessing a rape whether the victim resisted, but whether he/she gave explicit consent to the sexual act.
Of course, the same applies to sexual assaults such as the one in your case. You did not give Luka explicit consent for him to kiss you and touch you under your blouse. On the contrary: you clearly told Luka that you wanted to be faithful to your boyfriend and he accepted this, at least verbally. And then he did the exact opposite and crossed your boundaries.
After a short time, you composed yourself and escaped from the situation. And you felt bad and harassed afterwards. Both of these things indicate that the situation was not a consensual 'slip-up', but can probably be interpreted as coercion.
I don't want to blame you for what happened. That is Luka's responsibility. But I would still like to ask you a question: Imagine you were older and had a 24-year-old daughter. What advice would you give her if she was in a faithful relationship and was in a club with an acquaintance with whom there was a bit of a buzz and was drinking a lot of alcohol? Think calmly about the answer to this question, and if you say that you would advise your daughter not to go out with the "boyfriend" or at least not to drink, that would be a good precaution for the future. The important thing is that you are safe and take good care of yourself.
You ask how you should behave towards Luka. As you can see, Luka didn't just cause a so-called first injury by kissing you. He also escalated the injury into a second injury by not apologizing when you ran away and wrote to him that you found his behaviour disrespectful.
First injuries can usually be forgiven. Second violations are extremely problematic, a so-called red flag. This is because Luka has done nothing so far to make things right with you. He has trivialized your feelings by saying that "nothing happened" and reverses the offender-victim relationship by asking you how many more times he has to apologize. As if he were the victim of your ongoing accusation. With the best will in the world, no friend behaves like this and I would therefore recommend that you break off contact with him completely.
The next question is whether you should still tell your boyfriend about it now.
If you feel that you need to confess a "betrayal" to him, I can exonerate you. You didn't want the kiss and you fled the situation. It is clearly a sexual assault, possibly also sexual coercion and not a consensual "making out". What would you gain from telling your boyfriend about this? How would he react? Would he blame himself for overlooking the red flag? Would he blame you? Would he continue to feel relaxed if you went out without him?
Would it perhaps be enough for you not to tell him, but to learn the lesson of taking better care of yourself? Why don't you play through the possibilities?
Best regardsJuliaPeirano
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- Caring for one's own safety should be a priority, especially when in a social setting with someone who has crossed boundaries before, as pointed out by Julia Peirano in her advice to a writer who experienced a similar situation involving a friend named Luka.
- Just like Luis Rubiales, the former Spanish Football Association president, who was forced to resign after kissing a player against her will in a scandal, Luka's behavior can be considered disrespectful and inappropriate, even if it does not reach the level of criminal assault.
- In a hypothetical situation where a person in a committed relationship finds themselves in a similar situation, it would be beneficial to consider the future implications of such actions, including potential damage to the committed relationship with their partner and the importance of setting and respecting boundaries to avoid any further conflicts or misunderstandings.
Source: www.stern.de
