You are so sick: Women share messages from ex-partners

What should one do when an ex-partner sends a voice note and insults them in it, calling them "sick and toxic"? Or when they cry and wail for a minute? Or when they want to speak openly about their infidelities in a memo?

On TikTok and Instagram, abandoned and newly separated individuals have found a way to respond to such messages: they film themselves while playing voice notes from their ex-partners on their phones. Women are the ones who usually upload these videos, but some men also join the trend. They often read out the sentences of their ex-partners, some apply makeup or comb their hair while doing so.

The voice notes are at least embarrassing, usually infuriating. A man, for example, explains for a minute why he didn't cheat, despite having slept with two other women. "I didn't look at them, I looked somewhere else," he says. A user comments: "He started weak and ended strong," another writes: "I can't take it anymore."

In another video, a woman plays the voice note of her ex-boyfriend, who accuses her of going to bars with friends too often after the breakup instead of reflecting on the relationship. "After he cheated on me, that's obviously crazy," she says afterward. A user comments sympathetically: "That's a classic in Germany."

The Trend Fits Perfectly into TikTok and Instagram Culture

Loading these videos is certainly a form of satisfaction, perhaps even revenge. But there's something else about the trend that fits perfectly into TikTok and Instagram culture: vulnerability.

The authenticity of the voice notes cannot be verified, and as viewers, we only ever hear one side of the story. But these voice notes offer deep insights into very personal relationships. Anyone who is willing to share these intimate details with a million-strong audience must also be willing to expose themselves a little.

In social media, there are thousands of videos of people documenting their breakups daily and uploading them, including meltdowns and collapses. They tell stories of toxic relationships, film themselves during therapy sessions, and even take crying selfies. Taking selfies while crying has long been a popular trend. Young people in social media love to show themselves as vulnerable, emotional, and unfiltered.

These contents often go viral, they are shared and commented on thousands of times, because they are relatable. And because they provide comfort: Anyone who is dealing with a broken relationship, or has lost their job, or is struggling with toxic male behavior, sometimes forgets that their own life crises are not unique. Or in the case of voice notes: That many people have unpleasant ex-partners.

Just like all trends on the internet, this one is not entirely manageable and therefore also not easily classifiable. It ranges from harmless love declarations to disturbing insults. A user shares the message of her ex-partner, who threatens to destroy everything at home in his phone. The video is funny because the woman combs her hair and seems to resign herself with her shoulders shaking. But what's behind it is obviously anything but funny: A real threat of violence. Such voice notes are more than just entertainment, in court they can even be evidence.

Is it legal?

Regardless of how disturbing the content of these voice notes may be, the question arises: Justify exposing the misbehavior of ex-partners publicly?

At least legally, there is a clear answer: "The publication of speech notes is quite clearly a violation of the right to personality", says Norman Buse, specialist lawyer for copyright and media law. Toxic ex-partners would have had a right to the spoken word as well. If the content of the speech note pertains to the intimate sphere, it would be insanely unpleasant for the affected parties, and in doubt, high damages could threaten. For the lawyer, it is firmly established: "I would not jump on the trend."

In the context of the trend of sharing ex-partners' voice notes on TikTok and Instagram, some users might question the ethics of publicly exposing their former partners' misbehavior. However, abandoned individuals who choose to share these voice notes often find solace in the relatability and widespread occurrence of such situations, as seen in the viral nature of these contents. Additionally, the trend allows these individuals to express their experiences of separation and relationship issues, aligning with the culture of vulnerability and unfiltered self-expression prevalent on these social media platforms.