J. Peirano: The secret code of love - Sex and Hopp: The guys don't want to know anything about me after the first night
Hello Mrs. Peirano,
perhaps you have some advice for me. My last relationship ended badly. My ex-boyfriend was really a jerk, he used and deceived me for years. I took a long time to break free. After that, I was really down. Now it's over and I'm 36. It's high time for me to find a man and start a family. I know what kind of man I'm looking for: well-educated (academic), loyal, reliable, good partner.
In the wild I don't meet anyone, that's why I started with Tinder. The arranging goes really fast, I meet myself every week with 2-3 men. But it stays at that. In short: a few drinks in a bar, we usually end up in bed (probably has something to do with the alcohol), and that's it. The guy disappears or writes a lame excuse why he doesn't want to see me anymore. Things like: Hey, I'm still hung up on my ex-girlfriend, I'm not ready for something new. Or: I'm being honest with you, we're not on the same wavelength. The worst: For a relationship, you're just too fat for me.
I think then: Hello, you idiot, couldn't you have told me that before we ended up in bed? Sometimes I write him that too.
Meanwhile, I'm really tired of dating. But I can't help it, otherwise I wouldn't meet anyone.
Do you have any tips for me?
Best regards,
Jessica B.
Dear Jessica B.,
I can well imagine that you are disillusioned and depressed after the bad experience with your ex-boyfriend and the dating disappointments.
I would be happy to switch places with you and just clean up the horse from behind. First, let's get a clearer picture of the main characters in your future vision. What exactly do you imagine the man to be with whom you want to live and start a family?
Take a look at your circle of friends, which women are happily in love with their men. What qualities does the man have who is a good partner and father? Which men in your acquaintance do you like regarding character, lifestyle, profession, and values? Maybe a little look into relationship research: It has been shown that the ability to trust your partner, which means giving something of yourself, asking for help, opening up, etc., is the strongest factor in relationship happiness!
Furthermore, it plays a big role how conflicts are handled: Are annoying topics addressed or swept under the rug (which is bad)? Is there understanding from the partner and a good solution, or does a fight ignite at the slightest provocation with accusations, contact break, emotional blackmail, and justifications?
If you have a clear picture of the suitable man, the next question is: What kind of partner is such a man looking for? What kind of women are they with?
I can well imagine that the man you're "really" looking for is looking for a certain woman type. He values qualities like "reliable, trustworthy, honest, smart, family-oriented" in a partner if he's looking for a partner for life. Of course, it's also important that she is attractive and sexy, but above all, he wants to rely on her (as she also wants to rely on him).
Let's take a step back in time: Where and how did the men you consider good partners meet their girlfriends or wives? Wouldn't one assume they met through their friends, at work, or through common interests? Or through an online agency, where looks aren't the only factor? Or do you believe that good men and their friends typically met each other at many drinks in a bar? Not really, right?
I can imagine that you mix things up when dating. The men who meet you and sleep with you, even though there are no deep feelings involved, are looking for something new and sexual adventures. They don't want to commit, and certainly not start a family, at least not at that moment.
What do you think these men feel when they meet you in a bar? Can you imagine that the men sense your disappointment and frustration over past relationships? It was clear from your description how upset and hurt you still are, and I can imagine that your attitude might scare men away. How would you react if a man spoke disrespectfully about women in general? One might think: What do you want with me if you despise women?
Additionally, you show this man that you don't value yourself and don't protect yourself. You go to bed with a stranger, even though there were certainly warning signs that he wasn't serious. If you set aside your desire for adventure and uncommitted sex, your strategy would be perfect. But who would know that beneath your rough exterior, there's a woman who's seeking a loving, committed partnership? And who's disappointed when the getting-to-know-you stage ends after the sex?
I can imagine that the type of man you're looking for takes things slower and takes time to get to know a woman through conversations and shared experiences. If he's looking for a more everyday relationship that can last in daylight, he won't bind himself to someone who presents themselves as a nighttime adventure. A man who is openly open for uncommitted sex is, at least in this phase of his life, not necessarily interested in a faithful and reliable partnership.
I think all of this is clear to you. It seems as though you have two souls within you. One part of you longs to arrive and seeks a reliable harbor. The other part seeks adventure, doesn't want to commit, and might even be willing to suffer as long as there's excitement and intense feelings.
It would be helpful to examine the second part more closely and consider whether the man who fits you might also have a few "darker" facets.
I wish you clarity about what or who you truly seek and then carefully consider where and how to find and take such a man.
Warm regards,
Julia Peirano
- Jessica, considering your preferences for a potential partner, you might want to consider associating with well-educated men who value trust, reliability, and honesty in a relationship, like the reliable women in your circle of friends have found in their partners.
- While dating platforms like Tinder can provide a large pool of potential partners, it might be beneficial to broaden your social circle and explore relationship-focused activities where you can meet well-educated, suitable men who share similar values as your mother does.
- It's crucial to realize that the men seeking casual relationships or sexual adventures on dating platforms may not be looking for a committed, long-term partnership or starting a family, like many men with good character and solid values would.
- By focusing on yourself, building self-confidence and showcasing your strong qualities, men who are looking for a loving, committed partnership may find you more attractive and willing to invest in building a relationship based on trust and understanding, rather than focusing on short-term physical gratification.
