J. Peirano: The secret code of love - Our son has dropped out of university and is hanging around in Morocco - what can we do?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
My husband and I are both elementary school teachers and have two sons, Finn, 23, and Lukas, 21. Finn was a quiet, thoughtful boy who seldom spoke much about himself. He is very intelligent and laid an excellent foundation for his Abitur.
After that, he started studying Biology 400 km away from us, something that had always fascinated him. He had his first relationship there with Peter, and we had the feeling that he was content with his life despite the pandemic. Hiking and climbing trips with friends, a nice shared apartment, sports, and meditation.
Two years ago, something happened in Finn's life that significantly changed him. Unfortunately, he neither speaks to us nor to Lukas about it, despite their close relationship. We are worried that he may have been attacked, as we are privately insured, and there was an unexplained hospital stay. Finn made sure we couldn't see the doctor's reports but the bill was charged to us.
Finn then broke up with his friend Peter and moved into an ecological housing project in the Black Forest. Last summer, he told us that he needed a break and had flown to Morocco.
It's been almost two years now, and Finn is still in Morocco. He has dropped out of his studies, which concerns us greatly as these are the crucial years for building a foundation for his life. In Morocco, he lives mostly hand to mouth, has rented a hut by the beach, and works in a café. He earns around 200 to 300 Euros a month, which just about covers his expenses in Morocco. But with that, he is building his way back to Germany.
We initially gave him space, sensing that something had happened. But we now worry that he should continue with his life. What will happen if he has no education, no studies, no health insurance?
What if he continues to lose touch with his friends and us as a family?
Lukas visited him once, my husband and I were there three months ago. But we were honestly shocked by the simple life he leads and couldn't understand what he was doing or why. My husband, a very rational person, openly expressed his opinion a few weeks ago. He believed Finn was ruining his life and wasting his opportunities in Germany or the EU.
Finn then distanced himself from my husband and no longer answers his calls. He still speaks to me. I now wonder what to do. Should I swallow or suppress it to not lose my trust in him? Can I help him find his way back?
I would be glad to hear back from you,Beate I.
Dear Beate I.,
I can sense your concern for your son. The most challenging aspect of the situation is that Finn doesn't seem to communicate openly with you (and apparently with no one) about what has happened and what is going on with him. However, it appears that something significant has disrupted his life.
You describe Finn as having done well in school and at the beginning of his studies. He is thoughtful, quiet, and seems to be strongly guided by his values: nature and environmental protection are important to him, and he has a good connection to his friends and tries to listen to himself, as evidenced by his many nature activities and meditation practice.
He was on a good path, had a task and a goal, and suddenly he threw it all away and took a two-year break. Fundamentally, this speaks for his seriousness that he recognized his need for a break and had the courage to actually take it. Life is very demanding and anxiety-provoking for many people in his generation: The pandemic has hit his age group hard, making many positive and social experiences impossible. In addition, the climate crisis hangs over his generation like a Damocles' sword, and many wonder if it's worth building a life of their own when the world, as we know it, may not exist in the foreseeable future. This is a heavy burden on young people, and the thoughtful, quiet people with strong value orientation can hardly bear it.
However, it seems that something else has happened to Finn that personally attacked and traumatized him. An attack, if there was one, can give a person the feeling that their world is not safe. If he was humiliated, it can trigger long-lasting changes in him.
Finn first secured his safety, let's say metaphorically, by withdrawing to a deserted island, leaving everything behind. His family, friends, lover, studies, Europe. And on this island, he leads a simple, secluded life, which probably gives him stability and security. This can be very helpful for a certain time, let's say a few months. We all need vacations and distance from our daily lives to recharge.
However, Finn is still on the island after almost two years and there is no progress or healing in sight. His behavior can now also be seen as comprehensive avoidance behavior, in which he has set up a comfort zone and no longer comes to his limits (and wants to).
But those who avoid confrontation with anxiety-provoking contents enlarge the fear over time. In behavioral therapy, we encounter many people who have been withdrawing more and more for years because they had fears of, for example, crowds, dogs, tunnels, or their own fear feelings (the so-called "fear of fear"). And thus, they become people who only feel comfortable in their own living room and are afraid to leave their comfort zone.
An important therapeutic step is to confront these people with anxiety-provoking situations (for example, by traveling on public transportation or going to the park, where there are dogs), to learn to deal with fear. The same applies to fears of traumatic situations, such as an attack or a loss. We therapists speak with the patients about the sad, anxiety-alleviating, and traumatizing situations or call them up again with specific trauma-confronting methods and help them process their feelings. This way, they can work through the trauma.
It sounds like Finn might need professional trauma therapy to process and find a new perspective on his experiences. The avoidance he is practicing now is unlikely to help him get back to the mainland and find his way again. It could even make his fears worse.
I think parents are there to mirror their children's lives occasionally. Your husband may have been right in some aspects, as he confronted Finn with the consequences his life might have on his future. But he lost his temper, devalued and hurt Finn, making it impossible for Finn to accept the reflection. Would your husband apologize for that? That would be great!
I would advise you to metaphorically speak of sailing a rubber dinghy to the island and asking Finn what he is really doing there, how he is doing, and when he wants to leave the island. You can hint that something terrible might have happened to him, pushing him off course.
If you now try to give Finn a helpful reflection, I would advise you to speak from your feelings. You can tell him that you are worried about him, that it pains you to see him so hurt and unwilling to accept help from you. It would be best to do so without accusations.
Perhaps you can compare Finn's situation with a psychological wound, just like a chronic physical illness, such as a gastrointestinal disorder. If Finn had a chronic physical illness, he would have to see specialists and get treatment, whether he wanted to or not. Mental health issues are just as serious and should be treated with the same seriousness, as they can have severe consequences: unemployment, depression, suicidal thoughts or suicide, self-harm, to name a few.
You might want to explore possibilities for trauma therapy, for example, through literature for patients. At the very least, a psychotherapy session with a trauma therapy background would be the right place to start, and Finn would have to return to Germany for that. Trauma therapy should not be done online, as the traumatized person was usually alone when the trauma occurred, leading to feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Therefore, the presence of a compassionate, stabilizing, and helping person (namely the therapist or therapist) in the room is an essential factor in trauma therapy.
Be honest and clear with Finn, but also very open to his feelings and concerns. And try to conduct several conversations with him, in which you clearly name the elephant in the room (avoidance behavior on the island) and ask him how he can get back to a point where he can make decisions for his future life that will benefit him.
I hope very much that you can engage in a conversation with Finn and that he is encouraged to think. He needs orientation and an outside perspective, and I believe it will help both of you if you don't silently suffer and avoid him.
Warm regards,Julia Peirano
- Finn's decision to move to the Black Forest and live in an ecological housing project might be a form of self-care after experiencing trauma during his studies in Germany.
- Morocco could also serve as a therapeutic retreat for Finn, providing him with a change of environment and allowing him to distance himself from his past experiences.
- The high hospital bill stemming from Finn's unexplained stay might be a financial burden if not properly addressed, as it might impact their family's future financial stability.
- Seeking professional trauma therapy, whether in Germany or Morocco, could be beneficial for Finn as it can help him process his experiences and develop coping mechanisms to move forward.
