- My spouse harbors ambitions of serving as a lifelong soldier, yet he failed to confide in me.
Dear Mirja R.,
I'm in my late twenties and have been blissfully married to a serviceman for four years now. However, the circumstances aren't always rosy; my warrior is currently bound to the German Military for a dozen years. The separation hasn't been a walk in the park, but we've managed, and last year I even relocated to his base. It's heartening to catch up with him every evening.
Recently, I learned from one of my husband's close buddies in uniform that he had spoken to his superior. He had asked if he could join the ranks of a career soldier, aspiring to serve in the German Military until retirement. His superior simply responded, "I can't guarantee that just yet. I'm not sure if I'll require your services in eight years." That's it.
Isn't discussing such a major decision within a relationship crucial?
The fact that my spouse failed to communicate such an important decision with me has left me feeling uneasy. I voiced my concerns, telling him I believed we could discuss anything, and he apologized, explaining that he didn't want to cause me distress since I usually react quite emotionally.
What are your thoughts? Is his justification valid? Many men claim we women are more emotive. There's probably some truth to that, as some portion of our brain might be more pronounced in that regard...
However, in eight years, as a couple, we could certainly devise solutions if he shouldn't be selected to stay on. But doesn't his fear of my emotional response taking precedence over his longing to confide in me as his partner indicate a certain lack of trust?
Warmest Regards, Mirja R.
Dear Mirja R.,
I'm delighted to hear that you and your husband have a happy marriage!
And I suppose it's great that you took a moment to reflect: How serious is this situation? Who's to blame? And how can we resolve this issue?
You're currently doing so, and I can share my perspective - a psychotherapist's - from the outside. I can understand why it's hurtful and concerning that your husband hadn't shared with you his plans to serve in the German Military until retirement. These plans significantly affect your life!
The emotional aspect is substantial; as the military spouse, you're faced with the challenge of maintaining intermittent contact with your warrior due to separations and potentially dangerous deployments. These experiences aren't only emotionally draining but also alter your everyday life. From worrying, missing him, or feeling lonely to experiencing regular contact with him, these circumstances take a toll on you.
Moreover, your husband's military posting and location play a vital role in your daily life, possibly obligating you to relocate and adjust your own lifestyle to suit his needs. As a result, the duration of his military service has a considerable impact on your shared existence.
I believe honesty in relationships is essential when decisions that affect the partner are made. For instance, if I intend to repaint my practice walls bright pink, that's my prerogative since it's my practice. But if I intended to repaint our living room in the same hue, I would discuss it with him altogether, and I suspect he wouldn't appreciate it. However, I can't simply repaint the living room without his consent and later claim I didn't involve him because I presumed he wouldn't welcome it.
It's Inappropriate to Keep Secret Plans like Your Husband Extending His Service to Retirement Rather than Sharing This Information with You. He Essentially Erected a Small Barrier (Or Simplified, Just Painted it Pink) and Exclusively You from Important Decisions That Impinged on Your Shared Life.
Protesting at this point and expressing your concern that such behavior is unacceptable is definitely warranted. After all, in your relationship, you should clarify how you communicate with each other and how you aim to maintain and safeguard the vital trust at the foundation of any romance.
The claim that women react more emotionally than men warrants closer scrutiny.
First and foremost, it's baseless that women are more emotive than men. Gender differences stem from the societal roles we have been taught, not from a different brain structure. ("Boys are better at mathematics than girls," "Boys don't cry," "Girls don't mind putting their own desires second to serve others").
We live in a patriarchal system and have come to accept the notion that men's feelings are valid, while women's or others' feelings are dismissed as hysterical or exaggerated or simply "too" emotional. This biased viewpoint does a disservice to both sexes.
Men are encouraged to cheers and fight at sporting events, which is tolerated socially. I've encountered patients who "resolve" conflicts by getting blind drunk with their friends and passing out, despite having families and young children at home. That supposedly exemplifies typical male behavior.
When it comes to politics, which is predominantly male-led, heated emotions and power struggles frequently plague its operations (Putin, Trump, Berlusconi, and so on).
Women are frequently labeled as "overly" emotional when they express feelings, such as experiencing PMS symptoms for several days, shedding tears over pain, or pointing out unfairness in their social interactions. I suggest you contest this perspective and search for contrasting instances.
The notion that women are "too" or "mistakenly" emotional, serves to diminish their significance.
Your spouse's assertion that he kept something from you due to your "overly" emotional nature, tends to shifted the blame to you. This is a pattern I usually notice in discussions surrounding secrets or jealousy, where the roles of the guilty party and victim often switch places.
It then follows: I couldn't share the news about my appealing new coworker because you tend to overreact. Or when an affair is exposed: "I can no longer trust you because you invaded my privacy."
I desire that this situation leads to both of you promoting more openness and honesty with each other, enhancing your relationship. I encourage you to be assertive and communicate your requirements for sincerity and transparency in the relationship. Additionally, make it clear that you have the right to participate in decision-making, as you are significantly impacted by the choices!
Kindly refrain from allowing yourself to feel belittled or diminished by being accused of being "too emotional" to be involved.
Despite being a psychotherapist, I can understand why it might be challenging for some men and boys to share their plans with their partners, especially if they anticipate negative reactions. However, in the context of a long-term commitment like marriage, it's crucial for decisions that significantly affect both parties to be discussed openly.
This situation highlights the importance of open communication and mutual trust in a relationship. Whether you're a man or a boy, your partner deserves to be involved in decisions that influence your shared life. Keeping essential information hidden isn't a fair or loving approach towards your spouse.
