J. Peirano: The secret code of love - My mother doesn't take no for an answer, even when I have a lot to do
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
I am 34 and the mother of two children (6 and 3). I work part-time, but together with the commute I often work 30 to 35 hours a week.
My mother has always been very demanding and required a lot of attention from me. If I didn't give it to her, she was offended or made snippy remarks. She often calculates how much time I (supposedly) have for myself to go to the hairdresser, meet up with friends, watch series, and then she is disappointed and remarks: "But you never have time for me."
She often calls me suddenly and then talks about herself and her worries. Sometimes I don't answer the phone because she can't find an end to it. It really stresses me out when I've pulled out a leg to spend time with my children or do something, and then my mother bursts in with either a phone call or an unannounced visit and messes up all my planning. And she always has to be the center of attention and rarely notices what others want or need.
I'm already dreading the Christmas season. My mother always feels very lonely then and wants to be there for everything. At the Advent markets in the nursery, at the Christmas market, doing handicrafts. But it's usually double the effort because everything revolves around my mother and I can't enjoy the time with my children. To be honest, I'm totally stressed out by her.
My mother also unspokenly demands that I make her an Advent calendar, bring her a gift for St. Nicholas and plan Christmas in a way that is best for her. This leaves the work to me and I stand in the kitchen and please everyone, while my mother sits comfortably on the sofa with my children and has a great time with them. We are currently renovating and my husband Michael is away on business trips a lot. I'm dreading the next week and I'm afraid that my mother will make things even worse.
How can I distance myself without her turning the tables on me again? For example, when I tell her what I'm planning, she says to me: "But I can help you, unfortunately you won't accept any help." And then she comes along and I have even more work to do because I also have to look after my mother.
I would be very grateful for any tips!
BestregardsMiriamG.
Dear Miriam G.,
It sounds as if your mother is demanding a lot of attention from you. Has this always been the case or has it only developed in recent years, e.g. because your mother has retired or separated from a partner? Are you used to your mother making you responsible for fulfilling your own needs? Your mother could also develop her own social contacts and join groups or look for friends who also need to talk and have a lot of time on their hands.
It's obviously not easy for you to formulate your own priorities and live according to them: looking after your young children, your husband, yourself and your job. Because your mother keeps interfering and demanding attention, involvement and time. And you don't seem to experience this as support, but as an additional burden, because your mother is very demanding and self-centered and is unable to help you.
In such situations, we behavioral therapists offer role-playing games to work out and try out new behavioral patterns. Especially in problem situations that occur repeatedly (such as new spontaneous visits or demands from your mother), it is very helpful to be prepared through role-playing so that you can react differently in the future.
It sounds as if you have not been successful so far with the pattern of justifying yourself and revealing your own time management. The statement: "Mum, I have so much to do because we have craft afternoons at the daycare center this week and Michael is always on business trips", led to further offers of contact and crossing boundaries with your mother: "You, Miriam, if you have so much to do, I can help you! I'll just come along to your craft afternoon and I'm happy to stay over at the weekend."
With this answer, you have scored an own goal, so to speak, because your mother is simply imposing her view of things on you. "If you have too much to do, you need your mother and her closeness." In addition, your mother has elegantly created a debt to you in her own mind, because if she helps you with the handicrafts or lives with you at the weekend, you can't refuse to make her a tiny Advent calendar.
I would suggest a new response pattern. Don't defend yourself, don't justify yourself and don't reveal your priorities and time management, because that makes you vulnerable. Stay cool with yourself and your needs: "When I have too much to do, I want to concentrate on myself, my tasks and my children in peace and quiet and my mother disturbs me." (This is your own inner position, so to speak).
In a further step, you can imagine a boomerang that you skillfully send back to the sender, namely your mother, by making a small movement with your hand. Linguistically, the boomerang would mean that you are mirroring your mother's aggression.
For example:Mother: "You haven't contacted me at all in the last week. Have you forgotten about me? "Daughter: "Mum, I've told you several times that I'm extremely busy at the moment and need some rest. "Mother: "But I can help you and take the children. Then you can have a rest."
Here you can send the boomerang back by saying: "Mom, what makes it so hard for you to accept that I just need rest?"
Now you have turned the tables: you are no longer being attacked as an ungrateful daughter who doesn't have time for her mother, but your mother has a problem respecting her daughter's boundaries. You can now take your time and wait to see what your mother says and then use the "record with a skip" technique. Repeat again and again in a friendly but firm manner: "Yes, mom, you may need closeness when you're stressed. But I just need peace and quiet. What makes it so difficult for you to accept that?"
Or you can take your mother by her motherly honor and ask: "Mom, do you know what I want from you? I would be really happy if you gave me space and understood that I want to concentrate on my children and my tasks at the moment."
Give it a try and expect your mother to react in an unusual way at first. She may be offended, or she may insist that you have to take care of her now (e.g. because your mother has to go to the doctor or has a problem). It's best to put up with this for a while and repeat the jump in the record. It is important that you remain consistent and maintain your no. If your children whine at the supermarket checkout because they want chocolate, the only thing that counts is that you don't buy them any chocolate. Otherwise the children will learn that whining leads to success.
In the same way, it is also important that you put up with your mother not being happy with your life choices for a while. And yet you live according to your own priorities (just as your mother lives according to her own priorities) and do everything you have to do in peace.
I have already seen with many patients that this demarcation has led to a clearer and more relaxed relationship. Ultimately, your relationship with your mother will also benefit if you no longer feel overwhelmed and annoyed, but meet your mother when it really suits you.
Kind regardsJuliaPeirano
Read also:
In the upcoming Christmas season, Miriam fears that her mother will once again feel lonely and want to be involved in all family activities, making it difficult for Miriam to enjoy quality time with her children. Miriam's mother has a habit of demanding an Advent calendar, a gift for St. Nikolaus, and planning Christmas according to her own preferences, leaving all the work to Miriam.
Despite working part-time and often pulling in over 30 hours a week, Miriam's mother expects her to still have free time for personal interests like going to the hairdresser, watching series, or spending time with friends. However, Miriam's mother doesn't recognize or consider her daughter's needs, making contact suddenly or unannounced and disrupting her plans, causing stress and anxiety.
Source: www.stern.de
