- My girlfriend expects me to guess her wishes and mope if I don't.
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
I (30, graphic designer) have been living with my girlfriend (student) for a year now. Overall, things are going well, but there's one issue: her expectations. She often has a bad mood, feels overwhelmed with her life (master's thesis, job, daily tasks), and expresses it. However, she doesn't directly say what's wrong, but sighs, has a certain look, and tone.
I feel triggered by this and offer my help, but it never seems to be what she needs. For example, if I ask if I should assemble any furniture for her, tidy up, or proofread something, she just shrugs.
I then feel incredibly guilty (something I'm familiar with from my mother, who was also never satisfied) and don't know what to do with myself. I usually end up tiptoeing around my girlfriend, bringing her coffee or food, and often, this ends in a very bad mood between us or an argument. When she accuses me of not helping her (or indirectly says that no one ever helps her), I know it's not true, but I still feel guilty.
How can I better set boundaries? Or how can I be fair to both of us?
Best regards, Andrè U.
Dear Andrè U.,
It seems like old patterns and wounds are being reactivated for you. You've apparently experienced with your mother that she was unhappy or needed help, but she didn't give you the chance to help her. Children naturally want to help and be useful to the people they love: young children love to sweep the kitchen with their little brooms or pick the "right" pasta in the supermarket, and that gives them a positive feeling. "I've done something good, I can help, I'm part of the team."
However, if the mother or father doesn't accept help or gives unclear instructions that the child can't fulfill (e.g., I wish you were already grown up and not on my case anymore), the child experiences something called "learned helplessness." This leads to feelings of powerlessness, guilt, confusion, and the thought of being a burden to others. This often happens when parents or a parent have unsolvable problems like alcoholism, financial issues, marital conflicts...
It seems you've brought this topic from your childhood into your current relationship, and your girlfriend is triggering this learned helplessness that you're already familiar with from your childhood. I would advise you to talk to your girlfriend about this, that you have a sensitive point here due to an old wound. I would also recommend that you keep reminding yourself that you and your girlfriend are both adults and should interact on equal terms.
I also hear childish expectations and patterns of behavior in your girlfriend's behavior. She often seems to feel helpless and overwhelmed with the demands of her life and doesn't seem to know exactly what would help her and what she expects from others (especially from you). Since she doesn't express this clearly, you have to guess and offer suggestions and help, but they're not what she needs. Perhaps your interference also creates a relationship dynamic where your girlfriend feels annoyed ("Can't I just be left alone and have a bad mood without someone interfering?"). Your girlfriend might also feel guilty, thinking, "I know I'm being unbearable right now and annoying Andrè, but if he's so nice to me, I feel even worse."
Based on the idea that you're both adults, I'd suggest doing what we therapists call a "task clarification". You figure out if and how you can be helpful. I often used to butt heads with patients when I was starting out because I wanted to achieve something they didn't. Until I learned the magic formula: "What help do you need from me?" Sometimes they just wanted to vent about something and I should just listen. Good to know! Or they wanted something completely different from what I had in mind. And as soon as we'd cleared that up, we'd stop butting heads (and I could sometimes just relax a bit).
My specific suggestion: When your girlfriend is in one of those moods you described next time, you could say: "I can tell something's bothering you. What do you need from me right now? Should I listen, hug you, or help practically (like helping you build that shelf)?" Then, listen carefully to what your girlfriend says and repeat the mantra to yourself: "She's an adult, it's HER responsibility to seek help or not."
If your girlfriend needs specific help, decide for yourself if she can handle it now or if another time would be better.
And now comes the hard part: If your girlfriend doesn't give you a task, step back and calm down. I know this from cats: When there's stress at home, they often go to a quiet place to calm down (sleep in a quiet room, groom, or check their territory). But they don't get involved in the stress and bad mood!
You can make this easier by saying: "Okay, I'll go to my desk / workout / work. Feel free to call me if you think of something I can help with." At this point, I'd advise you to pause and acknowledge your feelings. Are you excited? Do you feel guilty? Are you unsure if you handled it right? Just acknowledge it as it feels.
In the long run, it creates clarity and inner strength when we orient ourselves by our values, not our feelings. Your feelings fluctuate, and that's normal. I've had 30 different feelings today and will probably have another 50. Some are helpful, some aren't. But if you orient yourself by your values - like treating your girlfriend on equal terms, helping her, but wanting to know how, and not feeling responsible for things that aren't your business - then those are values. And following them will create long-term clarity in you and your relationship.
Warm regardsJulia Peirano
I understand that you're struggling with setting boundaries and feeling guilty for not being able to meet your girlfriend's needs perfectly, especially since this feels reminiscent of your relationship with your mother. It's important to remember that you both are adults and should communicate openly about your feelings and needs. You could say, "I love you, and I want to support you, but I need to understand what specific help you need in order to do so effectively." By doing so, you can ensure that you're both on the same page and that your assistance is truly helpful.
