J. Peirano: The secret code of love - I'm pretty and lovable. Why are only Weirdos or Red Flag men interested in me?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
I, 24, only fancy unattractive, comedic men. It has always been this way: When I get spoken to on the street or when going out partying, they are not handsome men and it's not just me who thinks so, but also my friends.
And when I've dated someone closer, regardless of their looks, it's always been someone with family problems and therefore beaten down, or someone with self-esteem issues or loners, labeled as "weirdos" or typical Red Flag men, who disrespect women or, or, or.
I want to clarify that I don't see myself as more valuable than these people and I am definitely not arrogant – but I just want to honestly describe the situation to you.
As for me: I would describe myself as an attractive woman, as this is often what strangers tell me. I am warm-hearted, loyal, very sporty, have a good job and many hobbies that I regularly pursue. I am very grateful for my life and come from a wonderful family with parents who dote on my sisters and me.
I have been single for 5 years and am content with that, but I would of course also be happy to have someone by my side again. Tinder and Co. I have never used and have no intention of doing so, as I am not that type and convinced that I will eventually meet someone "in real life."
My friends often tell me, "Self-perception and perception by others are often different, you attract what you radiate" etc. When I ask them independently, "How do I come across to you, how would you perceive me?", they say, "Hm, you are very charming, self-confident, funny and honest, so no idea what that's about." This comes from people I am close enough to that they can give me this assessment.
Why are these men always this way? I definitely don't have unreasonably high standards, I don't need a handsome man to brag about! I would just like to understand why I am attracted to these men, who always bring one of the above-mentioned traits with them.
Many loving greetings,Jana K.
Dear Jana K.,
I can imagine it feels unpleasant when comedic men express interest in you. The question then arises: "Do they see me as their equal?"
Perhaps some insights from attractiveness research will help you. Mostly, two people come together who are equally attractive. Every person, including children from a certain age, can rate people on an attractiveness scale from 1–10. And rarely is a man, who is an 8, with a woman who is a 2 or the other way around. This is, except for factors like a well-filled wallet making someone more interesting or the attractiveness was similar at the beginning but has developed differently over the years because one person is constantly going to the gym and the other is always on the couch with beer.
It's interesting how such pairings come about. Everyone wants to be with an attractive partner! Nobody has anything against a 10, 9, or at least an 8! We come out of the cinema and dream about the beautiful actor, but we don't hold out hope. We've known since puberty how attractive we are and where we can land and where not. Generally, more attractive partners turn us away. If I'm a 6 and I approach an attractive actor (smooth 9.5), then he won't be interested in me and I have to try to land with a man of my caliber, 5–7.
Men often value their dating successes more confidently than women. In a study, women with a clothing size 38 turned critically before the mirror, pulled in their bellies, and then checked off "possibly" for self-evaluation, while men with a huge beer belly were satisfied and checked off "slim and attractive."
And men are often more brazen than women: In Italy, there are so-called Papagalli (parrots) on the street who flirt with every tourist woman. I suspect they have had success at some point, otherwise they wouldn't be there for decades. So it's not your personal problem that unattractive men approach you. Every woman can sing an angry song about that.
I was once flirted with by men on the streets of Tunisia with a "ksss ksss" sound. I didn't find it particularly appealing. My very attractive 35-year-old friend received an offer from a 40-year-old man (Grandpa type) to shower together. My very attractive and wonderful 17-year-old niece was called a "dirty ass" on the street. Stupid pick-up lines happen to all women, listen to yourselves!
The question is, how does a woman react to these inappropriate offers internally and externally? It's hurtful, embarrassing, sometimes disgusting and demeaning. And it's hard to just let it go. But apparently these encounters also affect your self-worth, and it's good to work against that.
They seem to be asking themselves: "Am I seeing myself wrong, am I doing something wrong that this happens?" They could also just say to themselves: "How do I get rid of this brazen guy?" Talk to other women about how they process these unwanted contacts and how they react to them externally. I once heard the term "Gatekeeper" (doorman) as a woman's task. That means: Every woman must actively choose who she lets come closer to her and who she rejects. I suspect you're giving yourself too much.
It would certainly be good for your self-worth if you had more contact with suitable men. In clubs, inappropriate advances are particularly common, in other environments they come rarely or never. Are you in a sports club of a sport you find sympathetic? I hear, for example, from Swing, Tango and Bachata dance scenes, that it goes very friendly and loving there. Do you have a hobby where you meet men? A choir, an orchestra, a theater group, gardening projects, etc.? These are rather environments where interesting people meet and treat each other respectfully.
I think it's about actively approaching suitable men and maintaining friendly contacts with them to find out which group you belong to. For instance, while dancing, you would receive confirmation and contact from various men, which feels good and boosts self-confidence.
I hope this helps!
Warm greetings,Julia Peirano
- Despite being a single woman for five years, Jana mentions that she would be content with having a partner, suggesting she is open to the idea of finding a suitable man.
- Jana expresses an attraction towards men with certain traits such as family problems or self-esteem issues, implying that she looks for potential partners beyond physical appearance.
- When reflecting on the behavior of comedic men approaching her, Jana questions whether they see her as an equal, alluding to the desire for mutual respect in relationships.
- Julia Peirano suggests that Jana could benefit from engaging in hobbies where she can meet respectful men, suggesting that finding a partner might be about more than just chance encounters.
