- I'm pretty and I'm lovable, so why is it only weirdos or red flag men are interested in me?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
I, 24, always seem to attract strange, unattractive men. It's always been this way: When I'm approached on the street or at parties, they're never handsome men, and it's not just me who thinks so, my friends agree too.
And when I've dated someone, regardless of their looks, they always have issues, like family problems, low self-esteem, or are loners that others might label as "weirdos" or typical red-flag men who disrespect women. I want to clarify that I don't think I'm better than these people, and I'm definitely not arrogant, but to paint an accurate picture, I'm just writing freely from my heart.
About me: I'd describe myself as a pretty woman, which I've been told by strangers. I'm warm-hearted, loyal, very athletic, have a good job, and many hobbies that I regularly pursue. I'm very grateful for my life and come from a wonderful family with parents who spoil my sisters and me.
I've been single for 5 years and am content, but of course, I'd be happy to have someone by my side. I've never used Tinder or similar apps and have no plans to, as it's not my type and I believe I'll meet someone in real life eventually.
I'm sharing all this because friends tell me, "Self-perception and how others perceive you are often different, you attract what you put out there." When I've asked them independently, "How do you perceive me? How would you describe me?", I get responses like, "You're very likable, confident, funny, and honest, so I don't know why this is happening."
So, why do I always attract these kinds of men? I definitely don't have high standards, I don't need a handsome man to show off! I just want to understand why I attract men who always have one of the mentioned issues.
Best regards, Jana K.
Dear Jana K.,
I can imagine it feels bad when "weird" men show interest in you. You might wonder, "Do they see me as one of them?"
Some insights from attractiveness research might help. Generally, people pair up with someone equally attractive. Everyone, even children at a certain age, can rate people on an attractiveness scale of 1-10. Rarely does a man who's an 8 end up with a woman who's a 2, or vice versa, unless factors like wealth make someone more interesting, or their attractiveness levels changed over time due to differences in lifestyle.
But I believe there's more to it than just physical attractiveness. Perhaps you're subconsciously drawn to these men because they remind you of someone from your past, or maybe you feel you can help them. It could also be that you're not as open to more straightforward, confident men as you think you are.
Interesting how this pairing comes about. Everyone would like to be with a very attractive partner! No one would have anything against a 10, 9, or at least 8! We come out of the cinema and dream of the handsome actor, but we don't make any hopes. Because we know since puberty how attractive we are and where we can land and where not. In most cases, the more attractive partners reject us. If I, for example, am a 6 and approach the attractive actor (solid 9.5), then he will not be interested in me and I have to try to land a man of my caliber, 5-7.
Men tend to rate their dating successes much more confidently than women. In one study, women with dress size 38 turned critically in front of the mirror, sucked in their stomachs, and then checked "plump" in self-assessment, while men with large beer bellies stood satisfied and checked "slender and attractive".
And men are often bolder than women: In Italy, so-called "Papagalli" (parrots) stand on the street and approach every tourist. I suspect that they eventually always have some success, otherwise, they wouldn't have been doing this for decades. So it's not your personal problem that unattractive men try with you. Unfortunately, every woman can sing a angry song about this.
I was lured by men with a "ksss ksss" sound on the street in Tunisia. I didn't find that very appealing. My very attractive 35-year-old friend was offered to shower together by a 40-year-older man (type grandpa). My very attractive and wonderful 17-year-old niece was called "hot ass" on the street. Stupid pick-up lines happen to all women, please listen around!
The question is how a woman reacts internally and externally to these inappropriate offers. It's hurtful, embarrassing, partly disgusting, and degrading. And it's hard to just brush it off. But apparently, these encounters also shake your self-esteem, and it would be good to work against that.
You might ask yourself: "Do I see myself wrong, do I do something wrong for this to happen?" You could also simply say internally: "How do I get rid of this bold type?" Why don't you talk to other women about how they process these inappropriate contacts internally and how they react externally? I've heard the term "gatekeeper" (goalkeeper) as a woman's task before. That means: Every woman must actively choose who she lets closer and who she rejects. I suspect that you let too much happen.
It would definitely be good for your self-esteem if you also had more contact with suitable men. In clubs, annoying pick-up attempts are particularly high, in other environments, they occur much less or never. Are you in a sports club of a sport you like? I hear, for example, from dance scenes like swing, tango, and bachata that it's very friendly and loving there. Do you have a hobby where you also meet men? A choir, an orchestra, a theater group, gardening projects, etc.? These are also environments where interesting people meet and treat each other respectfully.
I think it's about actively moving towards suitable men and having friendly contact with them to feel which is your group. And, for example, when dancing, you would get confirmation and contact from different men, which simply feels good and strengthens self-esteem.
I hope this helps!
Best regards, Julia Peirano
My friend Jana often expresses concern about the type of men she attracts, mentioning that they often have personal issues such as low self-esteem or family problems.
Despite her warm-hearted nature and many attractive qualities, Jana finds herself drawn to men who are less suitable, prompting her to question why this happens.
