J. Peirano: The secret code of love - I caught my mother having sex with a friend's father. Should I say something?
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
I am 17 and still living at home with my parents. A few days ago, I spent the night at a friend's house and came home late at night to get my phone. My friend was waiting outside. I thought no one was home because my father was on vacation with my two younger brothers and my mother was supposedly at a training.
When I got home, it was strange. Wine glasses were scattered around, music was playing, and the bedroom door was open. I heard them having sex. Not with my father. I was shocked. Disgusting. Embarrassing. I wished I could sink into the ground.
I went back outside and then saw my friend's father's baseball jacket hanging over the sofa. I am sure it is his jacket, as there is only one. I know the father well and actually like him a lot. But he has a wife and children.
I find it all just crap and don't know what to do. When I left, my friend asked me what was wrong because I looked strange. I said nothing and tried to forget it. But I can't and I don't know if it's the right thing.
Should I say something? This will cause a huge drama, and maybe I will be to blame? And the more I've thought about it – the two have been acting suspiciously for a while. I think this wasn't just one night.
Thank you and many greetingsJerome I.
Dear Jerome I.,
Oh! What a shock it must have been for you, coming home unsuspecting to get your phone, and then finding out that your life has been turned upside down!
In this situation, there is a lot at stake: Your mother is having an affair, not with a stranger, but also with the father of your friend. Both are married and have children. A lot is on the line here! And your mother is the one fanning the flames of this powder keg, and you've been privy to it. That's really crass, I agree.
What really concerns me, however, is this: Your mother is having an affair, and you suspect it's been going on for a while. It happens often in long-term relationships: One or both partners may feel something is missing. It's not easy to be with one person for a long time and keep everything under control: the daily grind, finances, taking care of the children, and perhaps taking care of a sick partner, listening to daily worries, taking care of parents and siblings, and all the while maintaining the relationship with your partner lovingly, lively, and exciting. Often the relationship falters, and that hurts.
Many people are not wired for monogamy, and others miss intimacy, love, or excitement in their relationship, so they seek a lover. You now know that your mother does this. But she is married and a mother of three. It would be more appropriate to handle this affair discreetly. Your mother is meeting her lover in your own home, and that's playing with fire.
That's why you're emotionally involved now, because you've found out. I can imagine that you have a mix of conflicting feelings and thoughts.
- Did you ever feel beforehand that your parents were happily married? Or did you rather think that they lived better apart? Were you surprised to find out that there were problems between them? How do you deal with it? For instance, did you have fear that your parents would divorce or even secretly welcome it?
- What attitude do you have towards truth or lying? How do you feel about your mother lying to and deceiving your father, telling him she is on a training while in reality having an affair? How do you feel when you put yourself in your father's place? Will you be angry that she treats him disrespectfully? Or do you find it understandable?
Many parents are not aware that they hurt their children when they mistreat or harm the other parent. However, children suffer when, for example, the mother constantly insults and belittles the father; or when the father bullies or financially exploits the other parent after a separation. This also affects the children! Your mother is hurting you by handling the situation so carelessly and disrespecting your father.
And to name it: It's disrespectful to lie and have sex with another man in your own home or bed!
- What feelings do you have towards your mother since you found out what she does behind your back? I can imagine that you never wanted to imagine your mother having sex, let alone with another man!
It would be different if your mother were single, then you wouldn't have a loyalty conflict towards your father. Because if you don't tell him, he could later become angry with you when it comes out that you knew about it all along. So write down whatever feelings and thoughts come to mind, no matter how absurd they may seem. That will help you gain clarity.
Now let's move on to the question of what you can do now.
I would recommend speaking to your mother face to face and telling her what you have learned.
You could tell her that you found it inappropriate and disrespectful that she brought you into this situation. Your home has been "violated". You are in a loyalty conflict towards your father, and you are probably also worried about how long their marriage will last. Tell her all of that!
This is a heavy burden on your shoulders, and your mother has dragged you into it with her careless behavior. If she had handled it discreetly, she would have had to deal with it herself. And clearly: You are not responsible for the situation, no matter how you behave! The responsibility in this case lies solely with your mother.
The best thing would be if your mother told your father herself what is going on and that their relationship has cracks. And of course, it would be good if your mother took responsibility for her feelings and behavior and ended the affair, which would likely explode with many "what ifs" otherwise.
I would recommend first conducting a conversation with your mother and observing how she reacts and if she tries to put the situation in order. You could also tell your friend's father what you have seen and clearly show him that you find it unacceptable (one could also aptly say that you find what they did "shit").
If your mother does not put the situation in order and shows no understanding, you should consider, in a second step, telling your father what you have witnessed. It would be more elegant if you informed your mother first, so she can wake up. You can also make her aware of the consequences this could have for your family.
By doing so, you help her clean up the chaos she has created herself and free yourself from the ungrateful situation of having to deliver the bad news to your father.
I hope my perspective brings you clarity. I wish that the situation can be resolved and eliminated without everything exploding.
Warm regards,Julia Peirano
- Given the situation, it's understandable that Jerome is struggling with his feelings towards his mother, who is having an affair with his friend's father, both of whom are married with children.
- Considering the potential impact on the children involved, it might be beneficial for Jerome to have an open and honest conversation with both his mother and his friend's father, expressing his concerns and encouraging them to handle the situation maturely and with respect for their families.
