- Following a five-minute span, my interest seems to wane in every female entity.
Hello there,
Maybe you need some tips. I'm 39, a fellow man, and I frequently get turned down on dates after only 5 minutes or get told that the woman isn't interested or it's some other minor thing.
I've always wanted a family, but it never works out, and my confidence takes a hit. I've got a great job and do plenty of exciting things, but it feels like none of that matters. I'm constantly disappointed and still give it another shot.
Do I always need to be flawless to even get a chance with women? I don't get it.
Best,Toni T.
Hey Toni T.,
There were a few things that jumped out to me in your message - as it's also a form of interaction among individuals.
- You're reaching out to me, a lady, and you're looking for advice. I observed that you're lacking in courtesy. You're not addressing me directly, even though you know my name, you're not thanking me in advance for the advice or saying that it would be valuable to you. Your message seems hurried, and I kept the typos as they were. I can tell you that I don't feel especially appreciated by the way you're communicating with me, and I haven't built much emotional connection with you either. I'm sharing this because it might be the same with other women, and they might not feel connected or drawn to you either. How were you raised? Did your family show respect for women? Were they caring and understanding towards female family members? Was your relationship with them loving? It would be beneficial to explore this, as we often unconsciously carry on unresolved patterns from childhood.
- You've frequently encountered women not being interested or having "minor issues". Do you really believe that not being interested is a minor problem? I was taken aback by that and can imagine that women might end the conversation if they hear that interests are a minor problem. What exactly do you mean?
- Your message seems to me like you haven't given much thought to introspection and self-reflection about yourself, your relationships with women, your expectations, your impact, etc. On one hand, you seem frustrated, unsure, and disappointed that you're not getting the outcome you want with women. On the other hand, I - the lady you're trusting for advice - don't really learn anything about you. You've got a good job and do plenty of interesting things, but what does your job entail? What are those things? Who are you? It would be helpful to have more details so a woman could get a sense of whether you have similarities. Opening up and trusting someone usually creates closeness and empathy - crucial precursors for getting to know one another.
In short: I would urge you to put a lot of thought into finding a partner.
Many people aren't aware of what type of partner would be suitable for them. I once had a patient who was disabled and thought he would never find a woman. I helped him realize that there were many women who appreciated his caring and dependability, but he should look for women who were more home-focused and didn't place too much emphasis on sports.
Another deeply introspective patient felt continuously drawn to significantly younger, exceptionally attractive, and complex women who didn't return his feelings because he didn't meet their physical preferences. We discussed the possibility of him seeking a partner his own age who had also experienced wounds (and could understand him better), had previous therapy experience, and didn't value status symbols but admired deep conversation. This patient has been happily in a relationship with such a woman for years.
Do you have an idea of the kind of woman that would be right for you? What kind of personality would this woman have, and what would she appreciate about you?
Do you have contacts with women who could guide you in this regard? Do you have a sister, one or more good friends, a wise aunt, or a loving mother? In my opinion, you lack specific feedback that could provide pointers to reconsider or change something.
What role do women play in your current life? What do you speak about, what do you do together, what do you give each other? How do you approach women, how do you address a woman?
What do you expect from a relationship? Is there a couple in your surroundings that lives in a way that resembles what you imagine? This could also be a couple from a series or a movie. If you don't know any couple, why not go searching for one - it's an essential step to find out what you want.
The search for a partner is something most people reflect upon a lot. Who am I, who would be suitable for me, how do I present myself, where are my strengths and weaknesses?
Especially when the partner search doesn't work out by itself, it's worth considering it. Most companies and restaurants do the same when they think about how to approach customers, how to design their interior, what their unique selling proposition is, and so on.
If you need help, look for a coach who specializes in relationships.
As an introduction to the topic, I recommend the book "The Secret Code of Love: Discover Your Relationship Self and Find the Right Partner" by me and Sandra Konrad. The book also includes an extensive self-test.
I hope I could give you some inspiration!
Wishing you luck in your further search,
Julia Peirano
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Toni, I'm not going to lie to you. Your communication style might be deterring potential partners. It's important to show respect and appreciation when reaching out to someone, especially if you're seeking their advice or help.
In addition, when you dismiss a woman's interest as a "minor problem," it can come off as insensitive and unappreciative. It's crucial to understand and value every person's feelings in a relationship, no matter how small the issue might seem.
