Fights can actually strengthen a romantic partnership.
A loving relationship without any squabbles seems unrealistic. Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, renowned couples therapists and also a married couple for 37 years, assert that conflicts are inevitable in any human relationship. They claim that the frequency of conflicts is not what determines a happy union, but rather the way one deals with them.
There are countless triggers for disagreements in a relationship - items left lying around, suspected infidelity, or even deciding whether to get a dog. And there are just as many ways to argue about these matters. Some couples fear these spats due to the prevalent misconception that true love never knows arguments.
Luckily, Gottman and Gottman, two highly recognized relationship counselors, are strong advocates of healthy arguments. Their recent book, "5 Conflicts Every Couple Encounters... and How Love Can Grow from Them", highlights their stance on disputes between partners.
The couple therapists explain that conflicts are a normal aspect of any bond, and a required element in any meaningful relationship. Instead of equating a lack of arguments with happiness, they say that conflicts are crucial for building a strong, lasting connection.
Arguing unproductively
Through their decades of research in their "Love Lab", Gottman and Gottman have examined the behaviors that put relationships at risk for divorce. They have identified five specific behaviors considered "horsemen" that can lead to a breakup: destructive criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and power struggles.
The Gottmans also coin terms for unhelpful patterns in conflicts. The abrupt and loud start of an argument, where emotions run high and tensions flare quickly, is called the "bomb". This strategy rarely leads to a resolution and only causes more stress.
Similar to a "flood", when a couple appears focused on a specific issue at first, but then the dispute spirals out of control. In flooding situations, finding a constructive resolution becomes nearly impossible, and the Gottmans advise taking breaks to collect emotions and thoughts, and then reengaging in the conversation with a clear head.
They also dismiss the idea that partners should never go to bed or leave the house during an argument. While taking temporary breaks, it's vital to return and address the issue productively.
A stage for growth
The "shallowness" refers to avoiding deeper issues during conflicts and instead focusing on minor things. During the "stalemate", arguments become more competitive, resulting in winners and losers. The "divide" is a term for conflicts that are never resolved, leading to increasing distance over time.
While these familiar conflict traps may sound familiar, the real value in their studies lies in the strategies for avoiding them and creating growth from them. Conflicts can actually strengthen the bond between couples when approached with mindfulness and understanding.
Ongoing conflicts often involve a deeper issue, such as personality traits or lifestyle preferences, so examining these differences can help couples develop a stronger connection. Although the conflicts may not completely vanish, they provide valuable opportunities to learn more about each other.
According to the Gottmans, 69% of all couple conflicts are "eternal conflicts", or issues that persist and reappear because they're rooted in fundamental personality variations, priorities, values, and beliefs.
In conclusion, according to these relationship experts, it's crucial to learn how to argue effectively. A practical guide for effective arguing includes:
- Enter softly, speak about yourself and the situation, and express a positive need.
- Don't justify yourself immediately but actively listen and try to understand your partner.
- Take a break or focus on positive interactions during stressful moments or when feeling polarized.
- Identify the true cause of the conflict and search for ways to compromise.
- Process past disputes and learn from them.
By following these steps, relationships can not only avoid destructive arguments but can actually thrive and become more harmonious. Therefore, it's not always about avoiding arguments, but rather harnessing them into occasions for deeper understanding and mature arguments.
- Reflect on past disputes and see how you can learn from them.
- Practice empathy and compassion, allowing your relationship to flourish even during challenging times.
- Agree to disagree on certain topics and respect that difference.
It's important to remember that disagreements are a natural part of any lasting bond. And when approached with love, patience, and mutual respect, conflicts can be engines for growth, allowing partners to grow together. As the Gottmans put it, "It's not whether couples argue that determines a happy relationship, but how they argue."
All relationships experience disagreements; harsh words are bound to come out sometimes. However, successful couples stand out from the rest as they extend conciliatory gestures during arguments, according to the Gottmans. Accepting that there will be conflicts and not always finding a solution is key to moving past the idea of being a winner or a loser. Instead, it's better to focus on understanding one another.
Read also:
- Floods: water levels remain critical in many places
- Snow chaos further restricts Bavaria
- Continuous operation in the flood areas
- Flood situation remains tense in many places
Engaging in international relationship counseling can provide insights into how different cultures handle conflicts, potentially enhancing both partners' personal development and love life. Incorporating aspects of psychology into the therapy can further deepen their understanding of each other and strengthen their partnership.
By focusing on effective communication techniques during arguments, individuals can transform their disagreements into opportunities for personal growth, fostering a deeper, more resilient partnership.
Source: www.ntv.de
