Does radical feminism destroy my girlfriend's love for me?

J. Peirano: The Secret Code of Love - Does radical feminism destroy my friend's love for me?

Dear Mrs. Peirano,

to make it clear: I was raised conservatively-Catholic and I'm fine with that. My friend is a radical feminist. Can that work?

About my background: I come from a rather traditional family. My mother is a housewife, my father is a policeman. At home, my mother is responsible for the household, comfort, and problem-solving. My father earns the money and takes care of the car, repairs, and office work. Both are very satisfied with this arrangement and have a good relationship.

About my friend's background: She grew up with her single mother, who was deeply disappointed by her father and other men. Her creed: A woman should not depend on a man and should not seek her worth in a relationship but stand on her own two feet.

My friend adopted this from an early age and tested and molded me at the beginning of our relationship. Now I do half of the household chores automatically. But I prefer to deal with repairs rather than cooking, my friend enjoys cooking. But she won't let me use the drill more often than her to "eliminate old gender roles."

When I invite her to a restaurant, she pulls out her wallet in front of me. In general, she insists on separate checks and meticulous billing, so that each one always pays half. I find that a bit unromantic, as I like inviting a woman to dinner.

I also find it attractive when a woman dresses femininely and wears a fitted blouse or a short skirt. My friend, although she has a great figure, always wears jeans or cargo pants and wide tops. When I see a woman wearing high heels and tight skirts, it's clear: "You're a chauvinist."

We were together in the "Barbie" movie and argued afterwards. I didn't find it funny that men gave such a ridiculous figure, there are other things!

My friend triumphs over Barbie's independence, but her criticism of patriarchy didn't go far enough for her. She often imagines a world where women hold all the positions and only seek a sperm donor for children and then discard the men. I find that hurtful, as I am also a man! And I have a lot more to offer than she implies.

I only think that men and women are equally important but different and should be. Men should protect women, women can calmly take care of men. I like leather jackets and a 3-day beard on myself and long hair and feminine clothing on a woman. My friend finds that sexist and accuses me of being stuck in the 60s.

She is also absolutely against marriage, as she believes that marriage is a method invented by the churches to suppress women. I find marriage beautiful and romantic. Of course, one can set up a marriage contract and regulate how one wants to live. But my wish (and also my mother's hope for a wedding) will simply be dismissed.

"I don't want to present everything negatively. My girlfriend is very interesting, loving, and intelligent. We have made some great things together (traveled through Latin America on a motorbike, both of us are ski instructors) and we can also entertain each other well. But recently, this feminist attitude of hers has been taking strong turns. This is also due to two new (lesbian) friends she has. They influence her against me and after meetings she comes home and checks if we really share equal responsibilities in cleaning, working, talking. I am often accused and I wonder why. I have nothing to reproach myself for.

Do you have a few ideas for me?

Many greetingsJohann T.

Dear Johann T.,

"Opposites attract," is an old saying. Researchers have thoroughly examined this proverb and have come to the conclusion that it only applies to the initial phase of a relationship. Differences often become irritating or burdensome later on.

It seems that you have deliberately sought a great challenge by being in a relationship with a woman who holds very different opinions and beliefs in many important aspects of the partnership than you. This is evident from both of your life stories. For your partner's mother, it was probably hard to be disappointed and left behind, and from this she developed the mantra of independence. This, as well as a mistrust of men, was passed on to her daughter.

It hurts you that you are not seen as an individual by your partner, but that she presents you with objections (perhaps even prejudices), because you belong to the group of "unreliable" and "disappointing" men. In a relationship, especially in a loving relationship, it is about seeing the other person as they are, with all their characteristics, experiences, preferences, desires, and longings, and not putting them in a box. In a loving relationship, we want to be able to show ourselves openly and be accepted.

Being put in a box is the first hurt.

The second hurt is that in the Western world, it is a maxim that every couple should decide the rules of their relationship for themselves. Are we to be monogamous or polyamorous? Do we go to the Swinger club or is that out of the question? Should we get our entire body covered in tattoos or is that a no-go?

Do we want children or pets? How clean should we be? Do we live in a caravan or in a loft? Who cooks for us, who manages the finances, who takes care of the garden?

These and thousands of other topics are negotiation matters and the business of the couple and ideally no one else. This achievement, that a couple decides all this for themselves and makes decisions together without interference from anyone else, is an extremely important foundation of modern relationships.

Nobody, not even the man's parents, should dictate whether, when, or with whom he gets married, nor should Religion/the Family/the Neighbors/the State prescribe whether the couple can live together before marriage or have children.

And now your girlfriend comes with dogmas that you do not or only partially share, and demands that you lead your relationship according to these dogmas. So, give up on marriage because it is not feminist in her eyes. Wear no short skirts or tight blouses because that is sexist.

At this point, I would say that a consensus among feminists is that there is no consensus on many topics."

Some women wear very tight, sexy clothing and identify as Feminists. Others wear loose clothes or dress in a style previously referred to as "men's clothing." Yet they also identify as Feminists. Feminism is as diverse as women themselves. The consensus is that every woman should be allowed to decide what she wants to wear, and others (and of course all other people) should accept that decision.

My approach to addressing these violations in your relationship would be to consistently shift from the normative level (the level of rules and principles) to the personal level. For instance, if your friend says that marriage is an institution of patriarchy, you could ask: How then should we regulate our living situation? What is important to you? For me, romance is important, and I find weddings romantic. How can we handle that?

Or: "Your friends believe that women are better off without men. What exactly do you want to tell me about that? What do you think I feel when I hear that from you?"

If your friend labels you as a chauvinist because you find certain clothing attractive, you could say: Let's take a look at what's happening between us right now and our concept of eroticism. That means resisting being put in a box and instead focusing on the "we" level. I have the desire to invite you to see me in a short skirt as well, respected as a man. How can we achieve that in this situation?

I hope that this laborious, step-by-step work helps you both to untangle some knots that have formed in your relationship.

Warm regards,Julia Peirano

Despite our differing views on feminism, my girlfriend and I share a strong bond, as demonstrated by our shared adventures like traveling through Latin America on a motorbike and both being ski instructors.
In contrast to my girlfriend's preference for jeans and cargo pants, I find it appealing when a woman dresses femininely, with elements like fitted blouses or short skirts, expressing my traditional views on gender roles.
Although she is a feminist, my girlfriend admires Barbie's independence and criticizes the portrayal of women in the movie, advocating for a world where women hold all positions and only seek a sperm donor for children.
Providing equal responsibility in household chores has become a part of our relationship, with my girlfriend encouraging me to share tasks and challenging old gender roles, such as using the drill more often.
Despite her radical feminist beliefs and rejection of marriage as a patriarchal institution, I dream of a romantic wedding and hope to persuade my girlfriend to share my views, respecting our diverse perspectives as a couple.