When kids or their parents end communication.

Children or parents end their communication.

During Mother's Day, the idea of ideal mother-child relationships often takes center stage. However, the actual situation is different for certain families: They experience a disruption in communication. Similar patterns commonly occur.

Svenja vividly remembers her last conversation with her mother. It was two Christmases ago, and her mother aimed to offer advice (as she perceived it) on how Svenja should lead her life - the grandchild required a new hairstyle (a "male hairstyle"), the apartment needed to be cleaner, and she had to part ways from her partner. Since then, communication between the current 32-year-old and her mother has ceased. They also observe Mother's Day separately - without any interaction.

Svenja has made several attempts to convey to her mother that she desires her mother's acceptance of her personal decisions and boundaries, but her mother persists with her own expectations. Despite feeling melancholic, distancing herself leaves Svenja feeling worse after meeting with her mother. "I used to question which family I should stand by: my mother's or my own with its shared values," she explains.

Dissociation Can Be a Reasonable Response

Disruptions in contact between adult children and their parents are not entirely uncommon. A comprehensive, long-term study of over 10,000 individuals in Germany, known as the Pairfam study (Panel Analysis of Intimate Relationships and Family Dynamics), revealed that 7% of adults surveyed did not maintain contact with their biological father, while 2% had no connection with their biological mother. What's more, many felt emotionally separate from their parents. Almost 10% had experienced a phase of estrangement from their mother within ten years, and 20% from their father.

The authors of the Pairfam study, Oliver Arránz Becker from the University of Halle-Wittenberg and Karsten Hank from the University of Cologne, highlight the significant heterogeneity of relationships between generations. This is evident in family counseling services. Ulric Ritzer-Sachs from the online counseling platform of the Federal Conference for Educational Counseling (bke) confirms that he encounters families who have cut ties as well as individuals who still converse with their family of origin but experience continued distress.

British psychologist Lucy Blake, who has extensively researched contact breakdowns and distances in families, states: "Alienation can be a positive reaction to a harmful environment."

Excessive Proximity - Craving for Distance

The reasons for cessation of contact are multifarious. Rarely are they extreme incidents such as physical or sexual abuse in childhood. Families with separated parents or substance abuse issues often experience more disruptions. Even if children felt that one parent was primarily acting as a replacement for a partner and the connection was too close for their liking, this can prompt an eagerness for distance in adulthood.

In a UK-based questionnaire, emotional abuse, divergent family expectations, and conflicting role models, as well as significant personality clashes were provided as the main reasons for disruption. In a US-based study, children pointed to "toxic behavior" demonstrated by their parents, including continuous disrespect and the sentiment of not being supported and embraced, as the most prevalent justification. Parents, meanwhile, attributed their children's disconnection to external factors, such as divorce or new partners.

In the majority of cases, but not always, it is the children who terminate contact; at times, the parents initiate it; and occasionally, both sides are unaware of the instigator.

Frequent Derogation as a Problem

"I've noticed, as a professional, that there are recurring issues between parents and children related to narcissistic structures," says Bärbel Wardetzki, a Munich-based psychotherapist who specializes in "female narcissism." Frequently, adults still strive for love, affection, and recognition from their parents. Let go of that? It's emotionally challenging.

At what point is it sufficient? There are various phases in life where it's more probable that communication will be severed. A significant life event that may spark disconnection involves the separation of parents, as shown in the English-based survey; most children who cut ties are between their 20s and mid-30s. Contact with fathers is more likely to halt before adulthood, and disruption can also occur after one parent's death or the introduction of new offspring. Ritzer-Sachs, the consultant, offers: "When contemplating the level of contact that the children should hold with their grandparents, it's crucial to consider whether a repeat of the patterns witnessed or endured is imminent."

Cutting ties could be beneficial, but before taking such a step, it's worth considering if there's a chance for reconciliation, suggests Ritzer-Sachs. "Sometimes it's petty quarrels where neither party wants to make the first move." In such cases, both sides should weigh their options and determine if they truly want to take the initiative. However, rekindling a relationship should be considered thoroughly. "It's not easy to lower your guard again and expose yourself. You need to think about it: Can I handle another wound if things go awry once more?"

In the UK and the US, there are support groups like "Stand Alone Community" and "Together Estranged" for individuals from broken families. They provide guidance on how to manage difficult events, like holidays - family celebrations. A survey found that 78% of respondents find Mother's Day or Father's Day a particularly challenging time. Similar struggles occur during birthdays, Christmas, weddings, and funerals. Many find counseling, psychotherapy, and self-help groups beneficial. Germany has self-help groups for parents or grandparents in various cities, titled "Abandoned Parents." Kids usually join themed self-help groups, such as those for relatives of alcoholics or drug addicts or children of narcissistic parents.

Malteser Hilfsdienst suggests avoiding calls initially since the other party might feel pressured. A better option would be to send a traditional letter or email, allowing the recipient to read and reflect on it at a preferred time, even multiple times.

Svenja, a different name in reality, has done this several times - sending letters, voicemails, meeting invitations. She aimed to clarify to her mother why she was struggling with contact and what she craved. Unfortunately, her mother never replied. Today, she doesn't attempt to reach out anymore. Even during Mother's Day.