Stress at Christmas - Arguments under the Christmas tree: when the celebration of love ends in a tantrum
The family gathers around the festively decorated tree and sings Christmas carols before everyone sits down at the richly laid table to share a meal - movies and songs that are played up and down these days are full of such clichés about the "festival of love". This fuels expectations and, according to psychologists, is partly to blame for the fact that the reality is often different.
"We still associate Christmas with a quiet, holy night, with red cheeks and gingerbread, and everyone loves each other," says psychologist Christine Backhaus from Frankfurt am Main. But you actually know exactly what problems could arise when you celebrate with your family. A lot of things have often built up and Christmas then acts like a burning glass.
At Christmas, many adults become children again
Many people are familiar with this: as an adult, you visit your parents and after just one day your nerves are frayed. Or the parents come to visit and the argument is not long in coming. The reason is that patterns acquired in childhood kick in again, as Hamburg psychologist Susanne Schmal explains.
"These patterns are deeply rooted in us, it's like an autopilot. When we celebrate Christmas and our parents arrive, things may still go very smoothly on the first day. But on the second or third day, things sometimes come to a head," says Schmal. Suddenly you're no longer the grown-up woman, but the young daughter again. The parents also fall back into their patterns. "Then there are arguments because I think my father always wants me to do my best or my mother always wants the house to be clean and now she's going around checking everything again."
Plan the party with relatives in advance
To avoid this and have a more relaxed celebration, Schmal advises discussing the respective ideas within the family in advance. When should the tree be decorated, how should the presents be presented and does it really need an elaborate menu that will strain the cook's nerves? It's about creating your own ideal beyond the usual clichés.
Frankfurt psychologist Backhaus says that it's worth talking openly with parents at an advanced age: "It's usually well received if you don't formulate it as a reproach, but say what you would like." One way to intervene when an argument flares up is to agree on a kind of "joker" or "time-out symbol" within the family, which is then placed on the table before the drama takes its course. Once the situation has cooled down, the conversation can be resumed. There is very good experience with this from couples therapy, says Backhaus.
The psychologists advise reflecting on which of your own needs have fallen by the wayside on such an evening. "Do I need more rest, do I need to stretch my legs, do I need more space?" Backhaus gives examples. Then you have to pluck up the courage to address this - and also ask about the needs of others. This can lead to an exchange about which rituals everyone likes and where changes would be useful.
It's worth identifying stimulating topics in advance and asking yourself what could help you relax at that moment - for example, taking five deep breaths, says Hamburg psychologist Schmal. Or you can set rules from the outset and say, for example: "Mum, I don't want to talk about this topic at Christmas."
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Source: www.stern.de
