Psychology - Why gift-giving sometimes stresses us out so much
So, have you got all your presents yet? A question that is sure to make some people's eyes twitch nervously or their hearts race just before Christmas. For many of us, buying presents is one of the most unpleasant - and stressful - things to do. Especially as the year draws to a close. And yet every year we repeat the marathon through online stores or shopping centers to find the perfect gift for every loved one. But why do we actually stress ourselves out so much about giving gifts?
One reason for this lies in our socialization. In Western countries, most people grow up with the capitalist image that you show your affection through material things. Gift expert Friedrich Ross once explained this in an interview with theStuttgarter Nachrichten newspaper: "Gift-giving is associated with a special appreciation that you can't buy in a store. It makes relationships exclusive because you choose the people you want to give gifts to."
Gifts as a form of communication
Giving gifts is therefore always linked to a certain expectation. By giving our favorite people a gift, we want to convey a message to them and hope for a corresponding reaction. Incidentally, this is a form of interpersonal communication that is deeply rooted in our species and shapes the way we interact with each other.
The US sociobiologist Robert Trivers proposed the theory of "reciprocal altruism" back in the 1990s. This theory describes how help and gifts are always based on reciprocity. When we give someone a gift, we trigger the recipient's need to give us something in return.
In an interview with Deutsche Welle, sociologist Elfie Micklautz sums up the concept as follows: "When I give someone something, I implicitly expect it to be reciprocated in some way. Even if it's just with a 'thank you'." And gift expert Ross doesn't think we are pure altruists either, but: "Our religion has taught us that giving is more blessed than receiving."
How gifts really bring joy
With a gift in hand, we are also in a good position ourselves. Especially if the gift really does bring the recipient visible joy. So we often put ourselves under pressure to put the most unusual or expensive presents under the Christmas tree. Our reward: the brief moment of joy when unwrapping the present and the illusory certainty that we have enriched the recipient's life. So it's also about giving ourselves a moment of recognition.
"It is precisely this moment of handover that we should not focus on when giving gifts, as we usually do," says social psychologist Janina Steinmetz in an interview withDeutschlandfunk radio. It's more about the long-term benefit for the recipient and the personal touch of the gift. According to sociologist Micklautz, such a gift is characterized above all by the fact that it fulfils a genuine wish of the recipient or contains a reference to the special interpersonal relationship.
How to avoid disappointment
Instead of stressing ourselves out by running from store to store in search of the perfect gift for our loved ones, it is more important that we are attentive to the important people in our lives and listen to what they really want. A number of studies show that the most important thing when giving a gift is not to make it as pompous as possible. It's about strengthening the connection with the recipient.
It is often the little things that bring the most joy as a gift. And, as you probably know yourself, the best thing is when you realize that the person giving the gift has really put some thought into it. And before this degenerates into stress: studies show that, apart from shared experiences, people are most likely to be happy about the things they really want. And there is still enough time to simply ask. This may sound unromantic at first, but it saves disappointed faces in front of the Christmas tree - on both sides.
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Source: www.stern.de
