What we argue about at Christmas - and how we can do better

Oh, you conflict-prone - What we argue about at Christmas - and how we can do better

Christmas - the festival of love is celebrated in the comfort and security of the family. At least that's the story we hear in movies, advertising or in conversations with friends. For some people who celebrate Christmas, it may seem cheerful and contemplative. However, in many families, the exact opposite happens during the holidays: conflicts at the dinner table, disappointment over the earrings given as presents or a crisis in the relationship.

In many homes and apartments, the family brings together an explosive mix. In a survey conducted by the opinion research institute YouGov, almost a quarter of respondents said that they always or at least occasionally argue about Christmas. Just over 2000 people were interviewed for the survey.

Christmas arguments mostly about the organization of the festive season

The reasons why families or couples get into arguments over the holidays vary. A third argue about the course and organization of the festivities. For a quarter, relationship problems cause conflict and 19 percent of respondents quarrel about the distribution of tasks. Most arguments are with their own parents (35%) or their better half (36%).

Yet most people simply want a harmonious holiday. Even the Ramones sang: "Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight" (Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight). But this often remains just a pious wish.

The reason why it always comes to blows on Christmas Eve of all days starts with expectations. Due to the prevailing narrative of a contemplative Christmas, we long for a beautiful, reflective celebration. The tree should be particularly beautiful, the home should be decked out in fine finery and everyone should be delighted with their presents.

Tips for a better culture of debate

If we're honest, things tend to go wrong, especially when there's so much pressure: the roast is a little burnt, grandma doesn't like the home-knitted woollen socks or a fundamental debate about the climate crisis suddenly erupts at the table. Unresolved conflicts are quickly added to the thoughts of perfection.

Of course, arguments are not bad per se and they can also be important for our relationships. However, we can prepare ourselves for the festive season and ensure that not every argument immediately escalates completely. This can make the festivities less stressful for everyone involved. What's helpful:

1. Good preparation: for a more peaceful Christmas, we should clarify a few points before the festivities begin. So: What are the expectations for the holidays? If everyone knows, everyone can adjust and compromises can be negotiated in advance.
2. Distribution of tasks: It should also be clear in advance who will take on which task. This way, families can avoid one person having to do almost all the preparation in the end.
3. Don't expect too much: If we're honest, many people want nothing less than perfection for Christmas. But we will never achieve that. So: lower your expectations a little. Even with a little too much salt in the soup or an inappropriate gift, it can still be a wonderful celebration!
4. Stay true to yourself: Instead of throwing accusations around, it's better to stick to your own feelings and problems. After all, nobody likes to be attacked. So instead of saying: "You bought the wrong Christmas tree!" It's better to say: "I wanted to make it nice for everyone and the crooked fir tree is causing me stress and frustration!" In some situations, an attack can also be useful and have a liberating effect. But we should still remain respectful in an argument.
5. Louder doesn't make the argument any better: In a rage, some people can get loud. But that doesn't make your own point of view any stronger. Quite the opposite: it can silence the other person and they won't understand the point at all. It is better to speak in a normal voice.
6. Nobody does anything "all the time": In conflict, we tend to generalize. However, it is extremely frustrating for the accused to be told that they "always" or "never" do something.
7. Take a deep breath: in an argument, we don't have to immediately throw arguments around and say whatever comes to mind at lightning speed. It's better to take a few deep breaths in and out before we say the next sentence in the argument.
8. Don't rehash old chestnuts: It doesn't do much good to bring up a new topic every time you have another argument. The other person may have already tried to change something and will only get frustrated. Better: In an argument, really close the topic you're discussing and don't keep rehashing it.
9. Leave out the deadly sins: In a conflict, there are simply things we'd rather do without. Insults, irony or sarcasm do not help to resolve a conflict. Instead, a swear word or a sarcastic remark can hurt the other person deeply.

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1. Despite the Ramones' wish for a conflict-free "Merry Christmas," many families struggle with disagreements during the holiday season, as highlighted in a survey conducted by YouGov.
2. The festive season often stirs up love-related conflicts, with almost a quarter of respondents reporting frequent arguments over Christmas, according to the YouGov study.
3. On 'saint's eve', the night before Christmas, the pressure of high expectations and the mix of emotions can sometimes lead to heated discussions, which can be minimized with proper preparation, communication, and respect for one another.

Source: www.stern.de