What steps should you take if your child reveals they identify as transgender?
"When I understood, I responded, 'Doctors guess based on your body, but only you know for sure, and we'll always love you no matter what,'" stated Howland, current co-leader for Families United for Trans Rights, a group comprising transgender kids and their families.
Her child's inquiry didn't cease there. It initiated a multi-year transformation not only for her child, who came out as nonbinary at 8 and transgender at 10, but also for Howland and her husband. They navigated coming to terms with what it means to be trans, methods to validate their kid's gender identity, their duties as parents, and the sorrow connected with 'letting go of one idea of what our life will be', Howland expressed.
"One of the most challenging tasks for us as parents is to stop and truly listen when that vision is disrupted and hear what our kids are trying to communicate," asserted Nova Bright-Williams, a trans woman who heads internal training at the Trevor Project, a suicide prevention and crisis organization for LGBTQ+ youth.
Conversing with a child about their identity may be challenging for many parents, despite their political or religious inclinations.
There are reasons to attempt this approach. 'Research is continually demonstrating that LGBTQ youth report lower rates of attempting suicide when they have access to supportive spaces, communities, and adults', Bright-Williams explained.
CNN chatted with a physician, gender rights activists, and parents of trans children about the best way to respond when a child discloses being transgender, the numerous obstacles, and the process of receiving gender-affirming care. They shared what they desire you to comprehend.
The revelation talk
Reverend Rachel Cornwell's child, Evan, was born female and displayed dislike for traits traditionally associated with girls. When Cornwell questioned Evan at age 4 if they were displeased about their gender, Evan's response shocked her: 'Yes, Mommy. I told God when I was a star in the sky that I was a boy, but God made me a girl, and now I just have to live with it.'
'It appeared that my child had profound knowledge about himself and that his identity was connected to his connection with God,' Cornwell, a pastor at Dumbarton United Methodist Church in Washington, DC, and author of "Daring Adventures: Aiding Gender-Diverse Kids and Their Families Thrive", stated via email. 'We began attending family therapy and, shortly after Evan turned 6, he decided he wanted to use male pronouns and a new name, initially just at home.'
Cornwell initially felt astonished and fearful for Evan's safety, which is common according to specialists. Yet, these conversations can also create moments of joyous connection for families, added Dr. Kade Goepferd, Medical Director of Gender Health at children's healthcare organization Children's Minnesota.
It's also common for a child's revelations about their gender identity to provide a sense of clarity and relief for parents who have observed behavioral and mood problems without understanding the cause, Goepferd noted.
Other parents have realized their child never quite met gendered expectations and saw the disclosure as a confirmation. This was true for Cornwell, whose son had liked boys' clothes, hairstyles, and activities since preschool. He also started asking when he would develop breasts and mentioned that he would remove them if he did.
Some parents want to support their child yet worry if their gender identity stems from a phase or if they'll change their mind later. However, the consensus of those interviewed is even if a child changes their mind one day - highly uncommon - that's fine. It would be a natural part of their exploration of their gender identity, rather than someone trying to impose their views on them.
'There's no harm in ever accepting or loving our kids when they inform us who they are,' Goepferd said. 'The harm truly results from not acknowledging or recognizing the reality they're sharing and how brave they've been in disclosing it.'
Hurting them could not only lead to pain and anger but also sabotage future relationships. Consequently, when a child tells you they're trans, your first reaction should be to appreciate and understand their experience. Inquire about how long they've known this about themselves, who else they've confided in, and how you can support them.
Jocelyn Rhynard's son, previously 15, declared his transgender nonbinary identity with a cake he'd baked carrying the phrase 'I am NB.' 'I was like, 'That's awesome. Congratulations,'' she said.
Rhynard's son later identified as trans masculine nonbinary, using he/him pronouns, and is content with Rhynard calling him her son. (Trans masculine nonbinary denotes someone whose gender identity is nonbinary yet exhibits typically masculine traits, like their name, style, etc.).
When you're feeling anxious, worried, subjective, or sorrowful, take some time to manage these emotions outside of your child's presence, advisors and parents stress. They also highlighted the significance of studying transness on your own terms. Don't depend solely on your child to show you the way.
Varieties of gender affirmation
Not every transgender individual desires all sorts of altering their gender expression or body, experts confirm. When older children disclose their identity, they usually already have a chosen new name, pronouns, and other aspects in place.
However, if your kid isn't sure what assistance or changes they need, you can hold talks regarding what style choices, hobbies, and toys assist them in feeling most like themselves. Various children aren't in a hurry to make these changes; some test at home for a while before presenting a brand-new design or name at school, for instance.
As kids progress into adolescence, some may feel uneasy over their body nearing or going through puberty adjustments — which can be alleviated by puberty blockers that stop these developments for a brief period.
One thing that helped Howland feel more comfortable with her daughter starting puberty blockers at 12 years old was realizing that not offering them wouldn't be a neutral decision, as puberty is irreversible, which might result in negative effects for a child who doesn't identify with that body.
Managing friends and relatives
Howland's relatives and friends exhibited support, according to her. But Rhynard experienced differing results.
"It has been challenging for our extended family, some more than others," she expressed. "Some of our family members have been accommodating, but they still occasionally use incorrect pronouns, even years later."
Rhynard and her spouse had to engage in challenging dialogues in which they said, "Our child comes first, and we would adore for you to be part of our lives, but you must not call them by their dead name. It is too distressing for them."
Their parenting philosophy is rooted in humility, learning, and growing, but they realized they can't make everyone learn and grow with them. While some family ties have endured fractures, Rhynard understands her responsibility is to her children.
"If we centered the conversation about our child, we wouldn't be centering the most susceptible family member or the child we're fortunate to raise," Rhynard added.
For parents facing complex family connections, Goepferd encourages seeking support from another parent of a transgender child, a reliable friend, or an understanding church leader. Organizations such as the Human Rights Campaign and PFLAG provide resources for talking about your child's identity with loved ones and their institutions.
"We, as a society, place much emphasis on appearance and how others see us," Bright-Williams mentioned. However, parents bear the responsibility of absorbing that stress to shield their children from experiencing it.
Parents must make these kinds of choices continually, she added.
"Perhaps your child is biracial, and some members of your family have an issue with that," she said. "Would you wish them to experience that type of prejudice or hate, or would you shield or protect them from that? It depends on you to generate a secure and affirming space for your child."
'A political lightning rod'
These parents narrated their kids are progressing nicely and that their support has fortified their connections with them. Howland, Rhynard, and Cornwell all noted they have also changed — they're more acquiescent, open, and assured in guarding their families.
"She's incredible," Howland added about her daughter, "but we're always prepared for the world to show its negative side on her. She is aware that trans people are a political lightning rod. Sometimes she says things that tug at my heart, like 'There are individuals who detest me,' or 'There are individuals who wish I didn't exist.'"
Howland and her husband know they can't protect their daughter from every news update or potential bully. "Terrified about my child not having federal civil rights protections in this nation," Howland shared that she even put together a list of potential countries they could relocate to if needed.
To prepare her daughter, she's revealed her to the concerns in a positive light, for example, taking her to a recent campaign event for Sarah McBride — a Delaware-based trans woman who currently serves as a state senator and who is now running for Congress.
"I tell her that it's my role to carry this at present, not hers," Howland shared. "And that she's safe and that we'll always do everything we can to protect her."
Read also:
- In supporting their child's wellness, Howland and her husband researched and incorporated methods to validate their child's gender identity, understanding that it was essential to create a safe and affirming environment.
- Embracing their child's identity as transgender was not only beneficial for their mental health but also strengthened their bond as a family, promoting overall wellness and harmony in their household.
