There's no single ideal spot in life.
The question of what we desire in life is a common dilemma faced by many individuals. Whether it's finding a job, forming a relationship, or establishing roots in a particular location, life involves a series of decisions. However, what happens when one is unsure about what they truly want? Psychotherapist Antonia Speerforck urges individuals to delve deeper into self-discovery and stay away from rigid life plans.
It's natural for individuals to ponder where they want to begin or what role they want to play in life. But what if the cost of building a home is exorbitant, or if you prefer flowers over trees, or even if you don't feel the desire to have children?
"Society's expectations and influences can cloud our decisions," shares Antonia Speerforck during an interview with ntv.de. She has a background in psychology, law, and business and has authored a book on this subject.
The question of "where does my place in life lie?" has plagued Speerforck for years. She believes that many people are not free enough to develop their own ideals due to the overwhelming and paradoxical societal norms. We are constantly pressured to follow a certain path, based on what others have achieved or the societal expectations of how our lives should unfold. "Even the simplest questions like 'what do you do for a living?' hold so much importance," she adds.
As a systemic psychotherapist in Leipzig, Speerforck has come across clients who struggle with uncertainty about their future. While some have reached milestones such as marriage, children, and homeownership, others may still be living in shared apartments or attending their third job training.
At the core of this angst is the unrealistic assumption that we must achieve everything, follow all norms, and perform at our best to attain happiness and admiration. "This if-then thinking is not very beneficial," she says. "There will always be phases of growth, doubt, and learning in life." Additionally, our actions sometimes align with voices in our head that may lead us away from our true desires. For instance, we might hear voices telling us to "play it safe," or "what a waste."
These voices often stem from inherited family rule systems, which were once helpful, but can now lead us astray. An example is the voice of a former teacher or the "whip" that pushes us to excel. The challenge is to understand why those voices exist and what role they play in our lives.
In response to the younger generation's quest for independence, older generations often exhibit condescending reactions. However, Speerforck argues that this is reminiscent of outdated educational methods, which she questions in terms of their utility. If our goal is to spark motivation, you can't rely on humiliation or pressure.
Speerforck suggests that instead of striving for one fixed place in life, we should focus on the question: What is the next place where I would like to be? This approach prompts reflection on our evolving needs and helps us become more acquainted with our inner selves. By paying attention to the various voices that shape our thoughts, we can notice the unique qualities of each personality.
Almost everyone has an inner perfectionist, for example. "This part of us tells us we must be perfectly competent and correct," Speerforck suggests. Although this voice has its upsides, like providing security and preventing rejection, it doesn't always advocate for our best interests. "We cannot truly know ourselves, but we can get to know ourselves better along the way by acknowledging and understanding these parts," she concludes.
So instead of being tightly bound to a specific life plan, we should explore the ever-evolving journey of becoming more self-aware.
Shyness, a trait often dismissed as detrimental due to its association with more outgoing and sociable individuals, can actually serve a useful purpose. It could represent the deliberation and careful thought before expressing an opinion. Other seemingly undesirable attributes such as fear or lack of intellect might compel individuals to avoid speaking at inopportune moments. While fear is generally regarded negatively, it has its own critical roles.
Speerforck emphasizes the importance of delving into our inner selves, embracing all our facets, even those that may seem less productive at first glance. "We all possess a part that enjoys laughter and playfulness," she says, "And even fear serves an essential purpose for us."
We gravitate toward the personality traits that have earned us some validation and admiration in the past. As a result, those who have repeatedly encountered rejection may feel undervalued. Yet, each of our aspects reflects unique needs and abilities, and it's vital to bring them to light.
Speerforck's journey exemplifies this process. As the child of an artist and a therapist, she initially opted for business administration, then moved on to law, and ultimately pursued psychology. Now a mother of two, she's not only a therapist but also trains others and pens books. Her world is not confined to a specific setting, profession, or relationship; instead, it encompasses the various stages, choices, and twists of her life.
"My life feels fantastic right now," she states. "It will undoubtedly evolve and change." While not everything in her life is perfect, she maintains her conviction that she's proceeding along the proper path.
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