The optimal pairing setup, as per an authority's viewpoint
whatever the nature of your relationship might be, my colleague Dr. Emma Thompson, based in London, possesses a doctorate in sociology and majorly focuses on sexuality and partnerships in her private practice as a therapist. Established in the UK, Thompson has spent over two decades investigating and working with couples from over 45 countries. She appears to be in a perpetual state of curiosity about what drives them.
Thompson is also the author of three publications, including her latest titled "Love by Design: 6 Elements to Foster a Lifetime of Love." I spoke with her to uncover these elements, the most frequent type of couples, and more.
This discussion has been edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: You argue that many of us were brought up to believe that true love entails finding our other half. However, you argue that this viewpoint is erroneous. Can we delve into this topic a bit further?
Dr. Emma Thompson: I'll provide an example: One of my clients was highly successful, extremely attractive, and had everything going for her. She also wore a pendant engraved with a small keyhole. Upon inquiring about it, she informed me that her objective was to locate the key to this keyhole.
My reaction was one of surprise, as I thought, if you believe there's only one individual in the whole world with the key to your heart, you're not presenting yourself with numerous options. Nevertheless, the majority of people, including myself, were raised to think this way, due to the narratives surrounding love, which essentially convey that we require another half to "complete" us.
CNN: You discuss "emergent love" frequently. Can you elaborate on this concept further?
Thompson: I am proposing a novel model, based on more than ten years of research, which requires certain components for love to emerge. If you consider emergent love as a log and a spark, when these two come together, we generate a beautiful fire. As long as we possess all the elements, the fire will burn brilliantly and provide us with the warmth we desire. However, if we remove one of the elements or ingredients, the fire will extinguish.
CNN: What are those elements?
Thompson: There are six elements: mutual attraction, trust, respect, compassion, shared vision, and loving behavior. With attraction, think about the qualities you appreciate about yourself and the ones you wish to be around. Attraction could be based on social, physical, financial, or any other factor. It is tailored to suit your preferences.
Respect involves treating others the way you wish to be treated and vice versa. When individuals claim, "I am not respected by my partner," I inquire, "Are you respectable? Where are your boundaries?" Respect literally means to see and to see again, to prioritize what matters to the other person and to prioritize what matters to us over time.
For trust, two aspects are crucial. Consistency and reliability are both vital. Trust includes financial trust, social trust, trustworthiness. If I disclose a secret to you during an intimate moment, will you later share this with your family and acquaintances? These are the elements of trust, as well as compassion, which is being there for the other person without focusing on yourself.
Another essential ingredient for emergent love is shared vision. Shared vision is commitment, particularly when feelings of dissatisfaction arise. It's effortless to commit to something, but when you're angry with the other person, are you committed?
Lastly, loving behavior involves tenderness through touch, words, and exclusivity of that touch and those words. Providing the person the benefit of the doubt and making them feel special - these are all elements of loving behavior that you usually don't share with others unless your romantic relationship involves more than two people.
CNN: One of the sections of your book that sparked my curiosity is the concept of configurations, and the idea that every couple falls into a specific type of configuration. For example, you discuss the "contemporary" couple, which is most couples.
Thompson: When we opt for various configurations, we decide on how our priorities manifest, correct? Resources, as I define them, are time, energy, focus, and financial means. With the contemporary couple, they preserve pieces of themselves and share a common area between the two, but they lack a robust sense of their relationship as a separate entity.
These relationships often involve much negotiation when boundaries become obscure around power dynamics, allocation of resources, and division of labor, specifically when children are involved. They believe in fairness in everything. They're focused on maintaining balance and being equal in terms of how they contribute to the relationship. The majority of conflicts I encounter when working with contemporary couples revolve around fairness.
CNN: What about the "leftover" couple?
Thompson: Leftover couples are relatively common. What happens with them is that they struggle to manage those resources independently, and whatever is left over is allocated to the relationship space. These couples prioritize their individuality over the relationship, sometimes by choice, sometimes by demand. They view their relationship as a separate entity from themselves but view it as merely one more task on the to-do list.
In this type of relationship, the individuals involved have limited independence and view themselves as half of a pair. They often have a weak sense of self, struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries, and are at risk of developing codependent tendencies as time passes.
Regrettably, submergent pairs are often celebrated as the epitome of love by society. So when we say, “I can’t survive without him, I complete her sentences” — you may believe you're so in love that you can't even draw a breath without the other person present. This can be a lovely experience. However, if you remain in this state, you're bound for disappointment, as you're so engulfed in your relationship bubble that you lose sight of your individual identity. It can feel suffocating.
So, what does an ideal partnership - the emergent pair - look like?
In this type of relationship, the individuals are self-sufficient entities in a mutually dependent partnership, with clear and healthy boundaries. They are connected, but they also perceive their relationship as a distinct entity, in which each partner plays a role. The partnership is based on fairness: They contribute to the relationship and receive in return. The six elements of emergent love are present, and love arises as a result.
How do you recognize that you are in an emergent love dynamic?
If you wake up in the morning and do not spend your day dwelling on your relationship, you instead have a sense of peace. You have inner calm. Then you know that you are in an emergent love context. And there are specific actions that couples need to perform on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis to preserve this emergent love.
What tools does your book offer for couples to attain and maintain an emergent love dynamic?
One such tool is regular check-ins. I refer to them as "oy and joy." Every day, the couple checks in with one another, starting with the "oy." Share something that has weighed heavily on your heart that day. Then, share the "joy," something that put a smile on your face. This could be anything, a humorous clip you watched, for example.
The primary reason for a couple's separation is not infidelity but drifting apart. That is why this daily practice is of paramount importance.
Finally, you discuss sexual chemistry, a concept we are all familiar with, but also sexual harmony. What is the distinction between the two?
Sexual chemistry is either present or absent. If you simply leave it at that, it may fade away, as many relationships do. However, you can transform it into sexual harmony, meaning that you cultivate the initial passionate spark into mutual awareness, learn about each other, and continuously engage in open communication. This results in a harmonious blend, and you will never grow tired of one another, as there are infinite songs to create and harmonies to enjoy throughout our lives.
Thompson advocates for reevaluating the notion of finding one's "other half" in love, as this belief often limits one's options and can lead to dissatisfaction. She suggests that emergent love, which requires certain elements such as mutual attraction, trust, respect, compassion, shared vision, and loving behavior, allows for a more fulfilling and sustainable relationship.
In her practice, Thompson often encounters contemporary couples, individuals who preserve parts of themselves while sharing a common space together. These relationships, while fair and balanced, often involve negotiations over power dynamics, resources, and division of labor.
