Struggling with the solitary existence.
Being solo doesn't mean wasting life or considering it as a temporary phase. Rather, it's an opportunity to establish the groundwork for the upcoming relationship.
Singles tend to excel in various aspects of life, often having deeper friendships, more independence, and bolder careers. Yet, many people view their single life as a waiting period, pursuing career or fitness goals half-heartedly, while putting other changes on hold until they're in a relationship again. But, enjoying life's big moments like the next trip or moving into a house with a garden is seen as better with a partner. Thus, the mindset is that one's single life is just a transitional phase until one lives the dream life.
On average, people are single for roughly half a year to three years before entering a new partnership. This time, when compared to the years spent in a relationship, is a short span to relish. Even long-term singles searching for a relationship should utilize this time to understand themselves better and focus on personal growth.
Embracing the single life offers the prospect of thrilling dates or the freedom to focus on oneself and one's interests. Stella Schultner, a Single Coach and Psychologist in Munich, advises enjoying one's single life unconditionally, even during tough times. "There are people who aren't too fond of being single, and that's fine," she says to ntv.de. "One doesn't have to go to the restaurant alone. Everyone feels lonely or sad sometimes, but these feelings shouldn't become the dominant emotion." It's normal to desire companionship at times. Expressing this desire to good friends isn't a problem, but becoming unbearable without immediate distraction could be.
What if ... ?
This question can help adopt a positive attitude, characterized by courage, confidence, and hope. Someone who believes the next partner or partner will appear soon will walk through life more freely compared to someone constantly worrying about being alone. If thoughts lean negative, the following question can help: What would you do if you knew that you would meet your next partner or partner in a month or a year? Many would be motivated by this thought, looking optimistically towards the future and wanting to make the most of their solo time. Some would spend more time with family or friends, others would invest more energy into their jobs or personal well-being.
Viewing being single as a virtue rather than a shortcoming and handling it confidently is crucial. "Nobody should feel ashamed of being single, as it says nothing about our worth as a human being. Who speaks confidently about it, shows that it's not a bad thing," says Schultner. One should never play the victim card. This would make others perceive us in the same light.
The solo period can also serve as a healing phase, allowing one to process themes from past relationships or conflicts that would resurface in future partnerships. Schultner states: "The single period can also be a healing phase, where one processes themes from the last relationship or even conflicts, which one would otherwise face with partners, friends, family, or at work. One can only overcome the fear of being alone when one is truly alone. I have learned that I can be alone, so I should not fear in my next relationship."
Recurring Patterns
Schultner provides reflection questions on her website to help identify one's conflict themes and question one's assumptions. What particularly hurt in the last relationship? Was it my partner's fault, or did I have issues I wanted to work on?
Patterns can be seen not only in romantic relationships but also in other interpersonal relationships, such as friendships or at work. "One often sees parallels between the conflict themes that a person has with partners or partners and the conflicts they have with others, such as friends, family, or at work," explains the psychologist.
A fight leading to communication breakdown or even a breakup can be a learning opportunity to handle conflicts with friends and restore harmony without pushing the person away. If one cannot set boundaries in a relationship, one can practice this in the workplace and learn to say no to tasks that don't belong to one's job description. If one wants to express one's needs better in the future relationship, one can also practice this with one's best friend when planning the next shared activity. "Speaking out our needs is important," explains Schultner. "It leads to acknowledging our own needs as valuable and giving them significance, even if the other person doesn't fulfill them."
One should also pay attention to living values that one desires in a future partner or partner. Are you capable of handling criticism when the person is honest and expresses their opinion? Can you be authentic and vulnerable, even in challenging situations, if you want the same from your partner?
Life's path is largely dictated by beliefs, particularly concerning relationships and self-esteem. Introspection can be prompted by pondering: Am I convinced I'm worth it and destined to find another? Have I earned love and respect? If one replies negatively, they might miss out on many chances for fresh connections. On the flip side, those who respond affirmatively tend to be more proactive with others and open to flirtation, whether it's at a party, in the office, or even at the grocery store.
Negative beliefs can be challenged by questioning their absolute truth. Am I completely sure that there isn't a soul out there who'd vibe with me? According to Schultner, holding back due to fear or self-doubt often leads to self-sabotage and missed opportunities that could've been significant.
However, it's best to focus on enjoying singledom in the present and consider what's best for oneself at this moment. Single Coach Schultner stresses: "The happier I am, the more appealing I am to others. Changes and dreams should never be held off because of the wait for the perfect partner. Relationships aren't pre-planned." Adopting this mindset allows for prioritizing personal well-being and leading a fulfilling life regardless of a relationship.
Conversely, dwelling on a future partner or relationship can lead to self-harm. For instance, if your current place is ideal for a couple or small family, but still haunted by past separation or ex-relationship issues, it's best to let go and find a new home. If you dream of living in the countryside, seize the opportunity to do so alone instead of expecting a partner to tag along. Proving to oneself that one can accomplish one's desires demonstrates not only their relevance but also their self-reliance in creation.
