- Struggle with Love Overload: Love Pursuit Turning into an Exhausting Puzzle
Holding a smartphone, tapping an app, a stranger's face pops up. A couple of moments pass, then a choice: do I like this person or not? Swipe by swipe, the decision unfolds.
Online matchmaking is no longer an unusual concept. According to Bitkom's 2022 report, 20 million Germans have dabbled in Tinder, Parship, Bumble, and others. About 60% of them have found lasting relationships through online matchmaking, revealed by Bitkom's survey of 1,005 individuals aged 16 and above in Germany.
Uncertainty among the youth
Young adults often grapple with apprehension when the dating pool is vast. This was revealed in a recent Indian study discussed at a Prague conference. Majority of the participants—mostly aged 18 to 30—perceived confusion in the quest for a companion—more so for women.
The researchers attributed this to edited photos and the abundance of choices on the internet. The constant exposure to manipulated images can inflate the public's expectations from potential partners. The wealth of options on dating apps and social media, as mentioned by the research team coordinated by Chayan Munshi at Ethophilia Research Foundation in Santiniketan, further complicates the picture. Young adults are also frequently bombarded with sexually explicit content on social media, altering their perception of potential partners.
Dating fatigue
Wera Aretz, a couples therapist and psychologist at Cologne's Hochschule Fresenius, advises against dating exhaustion. Persistent anxiety and disappointment in online dating can yield this psychosomatic syndrome, she explains in the "Journal of Business and Media Psychology." Estimated to affect around 14% of dating app users, dating exhaustion manifests as emotional exhaustion, cynicism, and reduced performance.
Those most susceptible to dating exhaustion are those who endure monotony from repeatedly swiping through screens for an interesting person. Some individuals may spend hours perusing profiles and crafting the same messages, only to come up empty-handed. Ghosting---the sudden disregard or blocking---also poses a risk for dating exhaustion.
According to the study, those with low self-esteem or attachment issues are particularly at risk. In defiance of fairness, "Online dating is not fair at all," remarks Johanna Degen, a social psychologist and couples therapist in Flensburg. "Online dating is extremely sexist and exclusionary. People with disabilities rarely appear on dating apps."
Cheating, deceit, and optimization
Perhaps that's why individuals strive to present their best selves and distinguish themselves from others, according to Degen. However, she cautions: "The more I optimize my profile, the more stress I bear, as I'm confronted with this idealized version of myself and must then cope with the other person's disappointment at the date."
Couples therapist Aretz acknowledges this self-optimization from her clients. Men frequently exaggerate their height, while women embellish their ages on their profiles. Deception about education level, coupling-up status, and relationship categorization are also common.
It seems quite common. According to the Indian researchers, even some individuals in committed relationships utilize dating platforms. Aretz clarifies that dating while in a relationship may not always be negative. In certain circumstances, like an open relationship, or when a couple seeks to explore their sexuality with a third person, it can even be positive. However, she emphasizes, concealing this information from a partner could lead to misunderstandings.
Global Opportunities
Aretz sees a crucial advantage of virtual dating in the opportunity to connect with potential partners from faraway places, prompting more interracial and cross-cultural relationships. Social classes play a lesser role. As the psychologist points out, "The greatest advantage is that we can casually and playfully interact with an almost incredible number of people from diverse socio-cultural backgrounds that we wouldn't meet in our day-to-day lives - schools, workplaces, or supermarkets."
And contrary to popular belief, people on dating apps are not just seeking fleeting relationships. Only 6% of users pursue casual hookups, while 71% aim for committed relationships, according to a Bitkom survey.
How to Date Successfully?
Some couples therapists recommend premium dating apps to find 'the one,' claiming that subscribers are more reliable. But for young people, Aretz suggests free platforms like Tinder or Okcupid, thanks to a younger user base.
Everyone is unique and has individual preferences in a partner. Aretz advises against pretending to be someone else, like sharing only flawless images and boasting exceptional qualities. Instead, attempt to appeal to your preferred individuals with honesty: "To find the prize in the haystack, you have to burn the haystack."
Despite the abundance of choices and edited profiles, many individuals still struggle to connect authentically in the digital dating sphere. This was echoed by a participant in the study, who said, "I love you for who you truly are, not the filtered version I see online."
In light of these challenges, therapist Aretz encourages users to approach online dating with self-awareness, empathy, and authenticity. She suggests, "It's important to remember that 'I love you' goes beyond physical attractiveness. Connect on a deeper level by genuinely getting to know someone."
