Restoring Intimacy in Sleeping Relationships among Couples
In numerous long-term relationships, the spark and excitement in the intimate life can dim and transition into monotony and tedium. What was once exhilarating and satisfying often evolves into a routine, leading to a lack of connection. How can a couple revive their intimate life that has lost its allure - jointly with their partner? Sex therapist Jana Welch presents 30 practical, results-driven adventures for couples in her erotic guidebook "Sex that binds."
"Sex that binds" is the title of your book. Isn't good sex an instrumental component in a relationship, and why is that?
Jana Welch: I'm glad you mentioned 'good sex.' To me, this phrase encompasses not just the physical act, but also a sense of connection between partners. When couples engage in such intimate encounters, they feel more alive, fulfilled, and satisfied. Good sex strengthens relationships, making couples more understanding, less argumentative, and less likely to view one another simply as parents. The feeling of being desired, rather than pressured, can potentially make even the mundane seem more appealing.
However, it's important to note that consent and communication are paramount. If both partners agree that they don't wish to engage in sexual activity, then that's completely fine. That being said, if one individual longs for something different, an imbalance can potentially develop, and sex may even become a source of stress within the relationship.
Why do you believe that more and more couples are experiencing less sex in their relationships?
We live in a society that places tremendous pressure on individuals to perform in various aspects of life. By the time couples retire for the night, they often just want to unwind and relax. As a result, the traditional definition of 'having sex' may no longer resonate with many people. Often, the act is thought to be a strenuous, arduous process, subject to high expectations and performance pressure. And let's be honest: who wants that stress in the bedroom?
I suggest that we reframe 'having sex' as simply 'exploring sex.' By doing so, partners can approach intimate encounters in a more relaxed and enjoyable manner, focusing on pleasuring one another rather than satisfying some idealized notion of 'performance.'
Why did specifically these 30 challenges end up in the book?
Many of the challenges were essential due to their ability to establish a strong foundation for an erotic relationship and ensure that males can maintain their stamina. Others were chosen to present a wide spectrum of sexual activity. The challenges often build upon one another, yet they can also be practiced independently.
Collaborating with six other experts and authors made the book even more comprehensive and engaging. By combining our expertise, we created an invaluable resource for couples seeking to revitalize their intimate lives.
You stress that external factors can affect desire, including daily life. Can you share five tips for couples to incorporate more eroticism in their daily lives?
When individuals feel unfulfilled and unappreciated throughout the day, it can negatively impact their desire for intimacy in the evening. By engaging in the following simple practices, couples can help cultivate a greater sense of desire and connection:
- Engage in open, honest conversation - even if it's about uncomfortable topics
- Embrace the freedom of sleeping naked, minimizing the barrier between you and your partner
- Share a passionate kiss daily, with closed lips and open, unguarded eyes
- Pay attention to your greeting - take your time, stand up, embrace one another, and spend at least 40 seconds in each other's embrace, making eye contact
- Slow down everything, taking pleasure in the small, everyday moments
How many hours should couples dedicate to their intimate lives on a weekly basis? While many people may have little time besides work, children, hobbies et cetera, do you think scheduling explicit time for intimacy is a viable solution?
There's nothing wrong with setting aside time for intimacy, as this can serve as a reminder to prioritize your relationship and nurture your connection. While some might associate scheduling with a lack of spontaneity, I believe that when approached with the right attitude, planning time for intimacy can help rekindle the spark that once existed. Remember, the goal should be to enjoy each other without any pressure or expectations.
How significant is open and responsible communication in sex? Can you share some strategies that couples can use to improve their communication in the bedroom?
Communication plays a vital role in sexual satisfaction. By engaging in open, honest conversations, couples can better understand one another's needs and desires. Couples can also benefit from setting clear boundaries and discussing their expectations in advance. By nurturing open communication, couples can build trust, strengthen their bond, and establish a more fulfilling sexual dynamic.
Absolutely, most sex advice books commence with a common suggestion: Discuss with your partner. Regrettably, this is simpler said than done. Communicating about sex often proves to be more challenging than chatting up your best buddy about it. With time, sex transforms into a subject that's hard to broach. We're comfortable discussing others' sexual experiences, but our own needs are seldom discussed. In my book, I unveil the top ten communication strategies. Here are three suggestions:
- Pay full attention. Here's a little exercise: Set a timer for three minutes.
- Whoever talks, the other should listen carefully.
- Don't interject. Just listen and keep your thoughts to yourself. The one who talks all the time doesn't learn anything new.
- Learn to find common ground.
- Eliminate words like "always" and "never" from your vocabulary. They limit our ability to change.
How can partners handle different sexual desires and fantasies in a constructive manner?
Each person is one-of-a-kind - so is their sexuality. We all have our unique fantasies and ideas, and that's fantastic as it adds an exciting twist to our sexual encounters. Remember that you can retain your preferences and fantasies, but they don't have to be fulfilled by your partner. They exist and should be shared.
Once they're out in the open, your partner can decide if they wish to participate. Maybe I need to clarify my desire, my fantasy more clearly, make it appealing, or entice my partner. Even if my beloved refuses, that's alright - it doesn't imply that my fantasy loses its appeal. What's crucial is that both are willing to step out of their comfort zones - that's what gets us in the mood.
If you had a single recommendation for a more satisfying sexual life?
After penning down 385 pages about a satisfying sexual life - it's a challenge. But possibly, it would be something like "Leave your thoughts behind - immerse yourself in your feelings" or "Simply take more time".
In the context of maintaining a healthy love life and strengthening family bonds, Jana Welch emphasizes the importance of good sex, which encompasses more than just the physical act and can contribute to increased satisfaction, understanding, and connection between partners. She also highlights the need for open communication, consent, and reframing the concept of "having sex" as "exploring sex" to reduce pressure and stress in intimate encounters.
