Visits at Christmas: Psychologist explains why our parents, of all people, annoy us so much

Christmas visit with the family - Psychologist explains: Why our parents, of all people, annoy us so much

Julia is annoyed by her father's jokes. Felix is annoyed by the fact that his mother talks without a period and never lets him get a word in edgewise. And I also want to fly off the handle when my father wants to explain the special features of the family car to me on test laps before I'm allowed behind the wheel. At Christmas, many parents are once again visited by their grown-up children. Often - at least for me - the tension is already there on the drive home, knowing full well what discussions, niggles or conflicts await at home. But why do our parents, of all people, get on our nerves so much?

According to Hamburg communication psychologist Constanze Bossemeyer, anyone who drives to their parents' house with a rumbling in the pit of their stomach is not in a good position for the visit. "Adult children quickly react tensely if they are already waiting in a guarded position for their parents to treat them like children again." If the thought is already in the back of their minds: "The visit is bound to be really bad again because my mother is sure to make fun of my new boyfriend again", then it is not surprising that contact quickly becomes uncomfortable.

Back to puberty

One explanation for this reaction can be found in communication psychology: it is assumed that we all have different parts within us, also known as inner team members. "A team member has developed during puberty, for example, to fight for their own autonomy and to distance themselves from overprotective parents. When the dreaded comment from the mother comes, this inner team member may kick in again and take over the inner stage." And so this person reacts as an adult in the same way he or she would have reacted ten or 20 years ago." The reason: "We let this inner part take over and don't realize at that moment that we are already adults. As the boss of our inner team, called the head in communication psychology, we could take on a superior role. From this superior position, we could decide which of our team members is best to send onto the stage."

The inner toddler reacts stroppy

But it's not so easy not to let the one or other comment get on your last nerve: whether it's the fuss about the jacket being too thin, the insistence on the third piece of cake or the unsolicited shining of shoes. Everyone can probably remember such a situation with their own parents.

I, for example, can be sure that every time I go into the kitchen, my father either explains to me how I should use the microwave or criticizes me for not chopping the vegetables properly. Just one tone from my father immediately sets me off and I react in a stroppy way. It's no wonder, explains Constanze Bossemeyer: "If I'm treated like a five-year-old, my inner toddler takes over and reacts defiantly or stroppy." That's why we sometimes no longer recognize ourselves at family celebrations, adds Bossemeyer.

Parent-child relationship: relapse into old role models

This return to the family is not without its problems. When parents visit, the same discussions and conflicts often arise again and again. Parents and children slip into old roles, but adult children don't want to slip back into their old roles from childhood and puberty. "Parents have old parts that don't let them realize that their children have long since grown up." According to the psychologist, this is often not even meant maliciously, but is often the result of a well-intentioned loving impulse.

However, even well-intentioned advice from parents can trigger an argument. But if it came from a friend, it wouldn't be a problem: "If a friend tells us exactly the same thing as our parents, we can take it in our stride because we're on an equal footing." With our own parents, on the other hand, a conflict develops that seems to revolve around the content of what is being said. "But we react to the message on a relational level: 'I know what's good for you! But we no longer want to be treated like a child," explains the psychologist. As a 32-year-old daughter, who wants to hear that sneakers are not appropriate in rainy weather? Or as a 50-year-old son still want to be told how late you'll be back from a meeting with your old school friends?

Constanze Bossemeyer says it's a reflex that parents and children quickly fall back into their long-established roles. When parents behave in an abusive manner, adult children repeatedly fight for their autonomy. But if you don't want to be immediately upset by a comment about the clothes, the tenth explanation of the microwave functions or the parents' unfunny jokes, you can take the sceptre out of the hands of the team member who is about to react sourly, angrily, angrily or stroppily.

Calmness can reduce conflicts

"Instead of immediately giving the inner child the inner stage, it can help to take a moment to reflect and think about which part of us should react - an angry, a calm or a humorous one." It can help to start by changing your posture and breathing out. One possible response: "Mom, let it go. I'm already 32 years old, I already know what's good for me." Those who act so confidently help their own parents to realize that their counterpart has long since grown up, the psychologist explains: "If you don't fall back into old patterns, you can reshape the relationship with your parents."

Another way could, of course, be to enter into conflict when adult children no longer want to put up with certain behavior from their parents, says Constanze Bossemeyer. "It's just important that we don't leave the stage to our child team members. If we act from the position of head, we can consciously decide how we want to react." And thus approach contact with parents confidently, self-assuredly, maturely and perhaps even lovingly, says the psychologist.

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Children might find themselves reacting tensely when they recall their mothers making fun of their relationships during previous Christmas visits. top news Headlines suggest that conflicts between adult children and parents can be traced back to old role models that resurface during family gatherings. A psychologist suggests that parents may unintentionally treat their adult children like children, triggering an inner toddler reaction that leads to stroppy or defiant behavior.

Source: www.stern.de