Partner Dialogue for Expressing Requirements
In numerous relationships, emotions can become intense during disagreements, yet occasionally, they may just hide the true feeling. Relationship expert Sharon Brehm clarifies how partners can more effectively convey their needs and how this ties in with emotional healing.
Conversations about one's needs might seem effortless, but they hardly ever are. One must confront their own apprehensions and desires, and then handle their partner's reaction, which may include irritation, sadness, or anger. People often ponder, "Why doesn't my partner comprehend what makes me happy?" because it'd be wonderful if they did.
However, such expectations might not be practical, as partners' needs can alter from one second to the next, and preferences may vary. Dr. Sharon Brehm, a celebrated relationship therapist from Munich, emphasizes the importance of expressing needs openly. For instance, in a restaurant, one expects the waiter to ask what and if they wish to order. Similarly, in relationships, communication is crucial, as the therapist elucidates: "We can't expect the waiter to already know what we want. Even as a regular, he will ask if it's the usual."
Uncomfortable Questions
Those hesitant to communicate their needs may do so due to fear of appearing demanding, having excessive expectations, or being disappointed. Blaming the partner seems simpler. "If you believe your partner lacks interest in making you happy, you should scrutinize that belief. Would he be with you if he had no such interest? Does he aspire for an equal relationship where you are also content?" Brehm questions.
Those truly uncertain should consider re-evaluating the relationship - despite others not bearing the responsibility of making their partner happy. Otherwise, open communication is crucial, advises Brehm: "If I feel the relationship lacks affection, I can interrogate why that is. Are there possibly unresolved emotional wounds or a blockage? What can I do to re-establish trust and security with my partner?"
Brehm specializes in emotion-focused couples therapy and assists people in articulating their feelings better. "Our societal influences have ingrained in many that emotions are negative or only certain feelings are acceptable for certain individuals. Women, for instance, are often allowed to cry more than men, but a woman's anger is taboo," she explains. Generations raised to suppress emotions and prioritize logic may now be required to recognize and express emotions. Those who learn this embark on the journey of emotional healing - the central theme of Brehm's book 'Restored'.
However, those who perceive emotional healing as involving spiritual rituals or emotional indulgence are mistaken. "Our sensory inputs stir emotions that inform us about our feelings. We react to these emotions, and our reactions can be guided," explains Brehm. In her book, she uses the term "response flexibility," which refers to the capacity to explore various reactive options and choose the optimal one. Nevertheless, those with limited response flexibility due to past traumas often resort to the same behaviors during conflicts.
Past Injuries Shape Us
More than just negative events, the absence of positive experiences affects people. "This isn't to blame parents for bad intentions or fault them. Nonetheless, the repercussions may be more profound than assumed," thinks Brehm, a relationship therapist. Absence of acceptance during childhood and lack of reliance on parents might lead to self-criticism and avoidance of mistakes to prevent criticism. As an adult, one may then incline toward self-doubt or base decisions on others' approval for safety.
At this stage, Brehm frequently initiates her sessions with clients. Many are aware of their patterns and their consequences: "Sometimes, you realize you react too fiercely or withdraw during problems. Most recognize that clinging leads to further distancing. Yet, often, you don't know how to respond differently during conflict situations - for that, you need to explore your emotions." This applies not just to romantic relationships but also to friendships, business partners, and various interpersonal relationships.
Because emotions are expressed through feelings, which each person displays differently. Some express anger through loud voices, aggression, or criticism and accusations towards the other, while others become passive or retreat when angry. Even long-term partners may struggle to understand the other's true feelings. If someone has learned early on that it's not good to cry or grieve, they might express anger instead. "Anger pushes the partner away - the opposite of what one desires when they're sad, namely closeness and comfort," Brehm explains.
The partner would then have no chance to respond as planned, leading to miscommunication. If they realize that anger could be a masked emotion of sadness, they can approach their partner and establish clarity: "Are you angry or sad? And if someone is sad: Can I comfort you or do you need space for yourself?" Brehm illustrates her approach. If this encourages better communication and understanding between partners, it can even strengthen the relationship.
When you expose your inner feelings to someone, you're displaying vulnerability and closeness. This closeness builds a connection between two individuals, especially if it's kept private from others. This further leads to enhanced emotional bonding and a stronger relationship, as per an expert's explanation.
Regarding a partner who struggles with understanding their own or their partner's emotions, Brehm suggests, "Some individuals are reluctant to discuss feelings or emotions due to feeling overwhelmed, criticized, or blamed. In the worst-case scenario, they might even be held accountable for their partner's emotions. This leaves one feeling powerless in the situation."
When a particular emotion-related issue persistently resurfaces in a couple's conflicts, the other partner might choose to avoid discussing it further, despite their partner's need for discourse. "If one is stuck in a loop, it's wise to switch approaches. If one person consistently refuses to delve into a conflict topic, the problem might escalate. The other person feels neither listened to nor seen, causing them to suppress their emotions until it becomes unbearable."
Emotional healing, however, has the opposite effect. Individuals come to understand not only their own emotions but also those of their partner. Partners can provide each other with a sense of being seen and respond to each other's needs. Brehm stresses the importance of acceptance, empathetic interest, and avoiding triggers in emotional healing. "All emotions should be accepted, even negative ones like anger or jealousy, because they carry a message," she says.
For a couple to heal together emotionally, active listening is crucial. Brehm advises against defensive listening, saying, "Often, we listen to defend ourselves or offer advice without considering if the recipient needs it at that moment. Asking questions makes the conversation easier and provides a sense of warmth and security." Brehm also warns against avoiding triggers, "because avoidance often leads to stagnation and prevents a solution."
Negative handling of emotions in a relationship can cause damage. Statements like "You're being very sensitive today" are harmful evaluations that no one wants to hear and should be avoided. If someone emotionally reacts negatively, they should introspect, asking if they're irritated or not in the best of health. If one agrees with the behavior towards a friend, Brehm suggests alternatives like, "I'd like to help you but I'm unsure because I don't understand your emotions or feel overwhelmed."
If the negative emotional reaction is directed at you, Brehm advises standing up for yourself, saying, "Your comment is an evaluation, and it hurts me." If your needs are still unmet, alternative solutions outside the relationship can offer relief, such as talking to friends about the problem or your feelings.
Partners in love life and family often struggle to communicate their needs effectively, leading to feelings of frustration. According to Brehm, this communication gap can be linked to emotional healing, as partners may need to confront their own apprehensions and desires, and learn to express them clearly.
In her book 'Restored', Brehm emphasizes the importance of accepting all emotions, including negative ones like anger or jealousy, as they carry a message. By practicing active listening and avoiding defensive or harmful statements, couples can work towards emotional healing, which can lead to a stronger bond and deeper understanding within their love life and family.
