Parents ought to maintain a background role and refrain from intervening excessively in their children's friendships, according to the original text.
Frequently, parents ask, "How can I aid my child in making more pals?"
Parents might worry about social seclusion, boring weekends, children who spend excessive time at home, and whether these things are ordinary or signs of potential issues down the line. If these are indeed warnings, what steps can be taken to address them?
Undeniably, there are tactics parents can employ to help their kids form connections. Offering popular, shareable treats and being prepared to drive and drop off at enjoyable spots are strategies I often suggest. Generally, though, less intervention is usually better. The outdated idea that "children should be seen and not heard" might be more applicable to parents who become overly involved in managing their kids’ social lives.
I chatted with Sarah Clark, codirector of the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health, about the recent Mott Poll that explored parents' perspectives on their children's friendships. Clark is also a research scientist in the department of pediatrics at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. (The report is based on responses from 1,031 parents with at least one child 6 to 12 years old in August. The margin of error is plus or minus 1 to 5 percentage points.)
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: What sparked your interest in conducting a poll about children’s friendships?
Sarah Clark: Since 2007, we've been conducting the Mott Poll. We aim to approach topics broadly, some more focused on traditional medical care, while others tackle seminal moments in kids' lives that require parents to consider how their parenting impacts their child's health or well-being. As we entered the school year, friendship seemed relevant.
CNN: One in five parents say their child ages 6 to 12 has no friends or not enough. Do you think this is a lingering effect of the Covid-19 pandemic?
Clark: Intriguingly, there was no difference between boys and girls or by grade level, suggesting that the pandemic's impact on parents might be a factor. Day-to-day parent-child interactions decreased during the pandemic, possibly impacting parents' awareness of clubs and opportunities to which they could connect their children.
CNN: Two-thirds of parents want their children to be friends with kids from similar backgrounds. What are your thoughts on this approach to friendship formation?
Clark: The positive interpretation is that parents may desire their child's friend's family to share parenting styles. When parents agree on spending money on activities or setting boundaries, it can make things simpler.
However, if it turns into not wanting your child to be friends with "those kind of people," based on their identity, it sends a harmful message. Such individuals are often classmates, teammates, colleagues, or future leaders in your child's life. This is not conducive to functioning well in society.
Moreover, this affects parents as well. If parents are overly strict about their children's interactions, they miss out on an excellent opportunity for personal growth. This finding brought me sadness for the kids and the parents.
CNN: Were there any findings you didn't expect to discover?
Clark: I was surprised by several things. First, I anticipated that the proportion of parents who wanted to meet the parents of their child's friends would be much higher. (The poll found that 30% of parents with kindergarteners to fourth-graders wanted to befriend their child's friend's parents, but that number dropped to 17% in grades five to eight.)
Second, I was astonished that 1 in 5 parents felt their child had no friends or insufficient friends. That seemed high to me.
Third, the number of parents who bought things to help their child fit in seemed lower than I expected. (The poll found that 10% of parents do this.)
CNN: Ninety percent of parents believe their child would like to make new friends. Sometimes, a child is content with a small circle of friends, but the parent is the one struggling. What are your thoughts on this?
Clark: It might be a mix of both. Only a small percentage of parents (4%) said their children had too many friends. And there was little difference between elementary and middle school responses in this regard. I suspect this response represents both what parents hear from their children and what they perceive from their children's behaviors.
CNN: Around 23% of parents of fifth to eighth graders say they are likely to allow their children to use social media to make friends. What explains this?
Clark: While people often blame Covid for this rise in social media use, in many communities, there aren't great places for kids to hang out. Libraries, malls, or coffee shops may have certain laws or rules about unaccompanied minors. So, social media can be a solution.
CNN: Your recommendation for children in grades K-4 is that parents should only intervene in playdate or friendship issues when safety is a concern. Can you expand on this?
Alright, here's a twists on that:
Clark: It's all about whether you're stepping in for an argument or a physical altercation. Seems like many parents are eager to step in during verbal disagreements, wanting to sort things out for their kids. But what's your youngster picking up from that? Parents have a role to play in fostering environments and providing opportunities, but they can't forge friendships for their kids. Overdoing the direct intervention can do more harm than good.
Instead, as grown-ups, we should influence through our own actions, which is a whole different ball game compared to interfering in kids' disputes. Display how to handle things by observing your own friendships.
Parents might be concerned about the impact of a child's lack of social interaction on their overall health and wellness. According to Sarah Clark, a research scientist in the department of pediatrics at the University of Michigan, one-fifth of parents reported that their child has no friends or not enough, a figure that could potentially be linked to the effects of the Covid-19 pandemic.
