Infected by a vacation lover at 26: "I thought HIV would destroy my life

World Aids Day - Infected by a vacation lover at 26: "I thought HIV would destroy my life - today I know better"

"Women with HIV are still talked about far too little these days. As a result, many heterosexual people don't even think about the fact that it can happen to them. It was the same for me. I got infected when I was 26 years old during a love affair on vacation in Portugal. We were in love and had a very intense week together.

At some point, he wanted to have sex without a condom and because I wanted to please him, I went along with it. At the time, I wasn't strong enough to assert my needs. In hindsight, I realized that I let myself be treated really terribly overall. I did things that I didn't really want to do - but I think a lot of women know that, unfortunately.

I had always used contraception outside of a relationship beforehand, so it was as likely as winning the lottery that it would happen to me. And I only realized some time later that I had HIV. A few weeks after the vacation love affair, I suddenly felt really bad and had flu-like symptoms.

But I didn't associate it with unprotected sex. It wasn't until I went to donate blood eight months later that the infection came out. When the doctor called me and said I had to come back because there were abnormalities, I thought about a lot of things, but not about HIV.

Between fear of death and gratitude

It was a shock for me. When I spoke to the doctor, I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was already known at the time that there was medication and that you could lead a largely normal life with the infection and that you were no longer contagious, but I hadn't realized that yet. I told the doctor that I wanted to live so much, maybe have children and that I was afraid I wouldn't be allowed to work normally. I thought that HIV would destroy my life. That was eleven years ago. Today I know better.

Today I think my life with HIV is actually quite cool. I have met a lot of lovely people through the infection. There are HIV-positive people who deal with their fate very well, which has led to the formation of a real community. Of course, there are also people with an HIV infection who are not so relaxed about it. It always depends on what you make of it. My father once said: 'We all die at some point. You've just had it confirmed again by email.

But being confronted with your own mortality clearly does something to you. However, HIV-positive people today have the same life expectancy as everyone else. Some might even say longer, because we go to the doctor every three months and can therefore react more quickly to changes.

The fear of stigma

Even if that may sound strange: HIV has also given me a lot of positives. I have the feeling that my relationships have become much more intense and genuine. I am infinitely grateful for the time I spend with the people who are important to me - and I tell them that more often than before. Overall, I have the feeling that I have become stronger as a result of the infection. As an HIV-positive person, I also belong to a marginalized group and sometimes feel the effects of discrimination. That changes you. It has made me more resilient.

Nevertheless, there are areas in my life where I don't broach the subject. At my work, for example, only two colleagues know about my infection. I don't dare and would somehow feel like I'm making the issue bigger than it needs to be if I told the whole team that I have HIV. It doesn't change anything about my personality or my work.

In my private life, however, it is important for me to talk openly about it. Even today, many people are still not sufficiently informed. Even in partnerships, I often have to explain that I am not contagious due to the medication and that I lead a normal life. Even if I have sex without a condom, I can't infect anyone. Unfortunately, many people still don't know that. Even children would be possible in principle. Fortunately, HIV wasn't a problem for my boyfriend, I told him straight away on our first date and he already knew about the current state of knowledge.

Why many people don't use contraception

All in all, most HIV-positive people lead a normal life, apart from the three-monthly visits to the doctor and the one tablet a day. Unfortunately, many people don't know this, which is why they still associate us with a certain insecurity or even fear. On the other hand, some heterosexuals are not careful enough when having sex with new sexual partners. Infection rates among heterosexuals are currently stagnating, while they have fallen among men who have sex with men in 2021. Far too often, people still have sex without a condom, even though everyone should be aware of HIV.

To change this, we absolutely need more education, especially among children and young people. It would also help if more people with HIV were present in public. We exist and we live with the infection. Perhaps more people would then understand that everyone is equally at risk of contracting HIV - regardless of their sexual orientation or relationship status. When I talk to people about my HIV disease, I always have one request for them: tell at least one person.

Monogamy does not protect against HIV

It is essential that we spread knowledge about HIV to the wider community so that more people get tested. Nowadays, self-tests are also available at drugstores and pharmacies. There are certainly some people walking around who are infected but don't know it. In case of doubt, they then infect others and so on. HIV is no longer fatal and can be treated well, but it is still possible to avoid becoming infected with the virus in the first place.

It can happen to anyone, I've even met monogamous couples where one of them suddenly had HIV. They probably weren't that monogamous. But this example shows that there is no safety without contraception. Unfortunately, far too many people still rely on their luck. I didn't do it any differently back then. And even if the infection or chronic illness enriches my life today, I wouldn't go without a condom with new sexual partners if I could turn back time."

Why is there a vaccine against Covid but not against HIV? Do you have any questions about current topics for the editorial team? Write to [email protected]

*Editor's note: The name of the protagonist has been changed at her request.