Improve your connections by recognizing and responding to others' "attempts at engagement"
Alyssa Caribardi observed her pal swiveling her head to gaze out the window, hunting for a bird. And with that ordinary action, Caribardi was convinced their camaraderie would endure.
This seemingly insignificant interaction, according to relationship experts at the Gottman Institute in Seattle, was a telling sign for their bond: Her friend had acknowledged Caribardi's appeal for connection, a phrase coined by the experts.
Their interplay might seem unimportant to outsiders, but Caribardi had opened the door for closeness, and her friend had accepted.
As Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, a psychologist specializing in couples and long-lasting marriages, explained, bids for connection occur when one person reaches out to another for show of interest, a conversation, or expressing a need. The health of the relationship depends on the partner's response.
These bids can take various forms, like pointing out a bird in a tree, uttering something overheard on television, requiring advice, or even flashing a smile at the other person. Whether the bid is significant or insignificant isn't crucial; what truly matters is the other person's reaction, Schwartz Gottman noted.
Schwartz Gottman emphasized the impact of these bids not only on relationships but also on parent-child relationships, friendships, and even professional ties.
Identifying 'bids for connection'
The concept of 'bids for connection' stems from the Gottmans' 'Love Lab' research, which began in 1986 and spanned six years. The couples still together at the study's end responded to each other's bids 86% of the time, while those who separated only replied 33% of the time.
Caribardi recounted the experience. The Texas native found the woodpecker fascinating, not only because it was new but because her friend's shared interest spiraled into an extensive Google search on the bird.
"We can chat about anything and everything – a mute wall could speak to us. The woodpecker taught me that," Caribardi said. "But even if she simply said, 'Yeah, that's pretty great,' that's all you truly need. Just someone to acknowledge what you're saying."
Caribardi shared her woodpecker experience on TikTok in October, referring to it as the "bird test," as others chimed in with their similar experiences involving offering small bids to friends and partners.
Schwartz Gottman explained that this test illustrates the importance of 'turning toward' a partner, one of the three responses someone can have to a bid. If a partner responds to a bid, even with a simple acknowledgement that the other person was heard, it is the best and most beneficial response to have. If the partner ignores the other person and has no verbal response to the bid being made, she calls that 'turning away.'
The worst response, according to Schwartz Gottman, is what she calls 'turning against,' which happens when there is hostility toward the bid, such as comments like "Stop interrupting me" or other variations that indicate the partner doesn't care about the bid.
"For the most part, after the day is over, we all desire to be seen, understood, and valued, and thus, when too many bids are missed or rejected, it leaves you feeling unseen, unimportant, and misunderstood," Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist and sex therapist based in Minnesota, said. "If this happens more often than not, it begins to erode connection, safety, and trust in a relationship."
Reacting to a partner's wish for connection
Although bids appear crucial in a relationship, no one is flawless and should not be expected to answer a bid at all times, Fogel Mersy said. "You want a ratio of more positive than negative responses to bids."
If someone notices their partner frequently neglecting a bid, Fogel Mersy suggests initiating communication by saying, "Hey, that was my attempt at connecting with you," or "I'm aiming for conversation or some attention from you, is now a good time?"
Fogel Mersy also encourages people to be more conscious of their responses to their partner's bids and, in some cases, to ask their partners directly if they feel they are getting responses to their calls for attention. The more direct a person is with a bid and its intent, the more likely the bid is to be reciprocated, she added.
It's acceptable if a person notices that their partner is extending a bid to connect but isn't in the mood to connect at that moment. Schwartz Gottman advises communicating these feelings honestly and directly to the partner instead of responding negatively.
"For the most part, if the response is positive, it doesn't really matter how small or big (the bid) is, but with negative 'turning away' or 'turning against,' those can cause significant emotional damage in the relationship," Schwartz Gottman said. "The key takeaway is that turning toward one another is the foundation of a good, strong friendship — and passion and romance as well."
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In the context of strengthening relationships, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman highlighted that 'wellness' in a relationship can be achieved through recognizing and responding to 'bids for connection', emphasizing that these small actions greatly impact the overall relationship health. Furthermore, Schwartz Gottman mentioned that by addressing these bids with positive responses, such as acknowledging or engaging in the conversation, individuals can maintain a sense of connection and value within their relationships.
