Imperfection is inherent in parenting.
In the past decade or so, raising kids has become an angle of ultimate achievement, with social media scrutinizing our parenting at every stage. Perceived perfection has become a target, gauged by the achievements of our children and showcased on Facebook and Instagram for the rest of the world to see. As parents, we participate willingly in this pressure cooker, causing us anxiety and stomach churning.
As Jessica Lahey, author of "The Gift of Failure," put it, "Parental achievement culture, and the chronic stress that comes with it, is real, even though much of it is self-induced. It's often a result of the media we consume, the parents we surround ourselves with, and the milestones we deem necessary for our children."
We've redefined childhood, putting a lot of effort into preparing our kids for success. Free play and story-time have been replaced by structured activities, reading practice, and even early reading success. We're pushing our youngsters into being mini-achievers.
However, the consequences of all this effort have been burnout for many parents. A 2023 survey of over 700 parents by the Ohio State University College of Nursing revealed that 57% of them are burnt out.
The causes of parental burnout include: our self-perception, imagined judgement from others, lack of playtime with our kids, relationship with our spouse, and maintaining a clean house.
As someone who has experienced this myself, where I wouldn't have to care for a clean house or work full-time, I understand the impossible expectations parents today face. They need to work, create ideal environments for their children to thrive, play with them, cook healthy meals that don't come from outside sources, and maintain a presentable social media feed.
Another alarming finding from the survey indicated that parents of children with mental health challenges are even more likely to experience burnout and use harsh parenting practices, such as insulting, criticizing, screaming at, cursing at, and physically harming their kids. This can perpetuate a cycle of emotional issues for both parties.
The survey's researchers suggest adopting positive parenting practices, such as setting achievable expectations, establishing healthy boundaries, and following regular routines. These suggestions are a good start, especially for parents with younger kids. But there's more we can do:
Manage your social media usage
Social media can be a wonderful tool, helping us stay connected, have fun, and unwind in moderation. However, it can also be harmful: it fuels comparison culture and can lead to decreased self-esteem.
Two simple strategies can be life-changing: muting accounts that cause you stress, and setting a time limit on how much time you spend on social media per day. Spending hours scrolling through a feed, trying to keep up with others' lives, will leave you feeling defeated.
Adopt 'good enough' parenting
Perfection is a concept that doesn't align with human life. Instead of striving for perfection, embrace the ideals of what Dr. Donald Winnicott coined as "the good enough mother." This phenomenon emerged in the 1950s and reminded the world that children need connection, their needs met, and a safe, comforting environment. Not to mention, parents are not measured by their children's accomplishments.
I recommend rephrasing this for modern times: 'the good enough caregiver' - with an emphasis on supporting each other, respecting personal limits, and understanding that each child is unique.
Adjust your thinking
We need to prioritize and stop focusing solely on detectable achievement. As Lahey suggests, "Our kids need to know we love them no matter what grade or score they bring home. Our children are more than the sum of their accomplishments, and we - their parents - are not measured by those things either."
Letting go of the rigorous pursuit of achievement can help children understand that they can learn from their mistakes and that failure is part of life and growth.
Quit the competition
It's essential to realize that every child learns and grows at their own pace. Milestones are guidelines, but they can be adjusted to ensure the ideal pace for your family. None of us are against a set timeline, so we can choose what feels comfortable for us. Quitting the competition will lead to a more relaxed parenting style, and that's better for your child's mental well-being.
When you see these small changes take effect in your family, you'll reap the rewards of lowered stress and familial harmony.
Katie Hurley, Ph.D. serves as the senior clinical advisor for The Jed Foundation, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, and has written multiple books like "No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls" as well as the soon-to-be-published "Fiona McPhee, Listen to Me!"
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In an effort to combat this pressure cooker of parental expectations, advocates suggest adopting 'good enough' parenting, where parents prioritize connection, needs satisfaction, and a safe environment over children's accomplishments. This approach, inspired by Dr. Donald Winnicott's concept of the 'good enough mother', encourages supporting one another, recognizing personal limits, and acknowledging each child's unique qualities.
Moreover, managing social media usage is crucial in avoiding the pitfalls of comparison culture and decreased self-esteem. Strategies, such as muting stressful accounts and setting daily time limits, help prevent an obsessive focus on others' lives, leaving room for self-care and improved mental wellness.
[Text from: Manage your social media usage, Adopt 'good enough' parenting, and Adjust your thinking sections of the article]
Source: edition.cnn.com
