Exploring the technique to foster the "intimate bond" that maintains your romantic relationship's connection.
Even when a pair regularly indulges in sex, say, every week, they often lack the sense of sexual allure within their relationship. They're missing what I refer to as the "erotic string" - the connective element that links those weekly sexual events, allowing our sexual selves to dip in and out of an erotic moment.
This moment could be a gentle squeeze, flirtatious tease, a passionate grab, or a yearning pull, all given consensually. It's a feeling of healthy objectification: viewing your partner as a mouth-watering feast you yearn to devour, and sensing your partner's hunger for you. These subtle sexual encounters are sparks of desire, not invitations for immediate sexual activity.
"A sexual spark frequently encompasses both physical and emotional aspects that arouse excitement, attraction, and connection between partners," stated Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist from West Palm Beach, Florida. "It can manifest in various ways based on the individuals involved, including flirting, touch, intense eye contact, passionate kisses, or being spontaneous."
In fact, research suggests that these feeling-desired moments are significant elements in many people's sexual fantasies. A study of 4,175 Americans' sexual fantasies conducted by Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, showed that 96% of women and 93% of men had fantasized about feeling desired.
Most women and men stated that they fantasized about this situation frequently. "People's fantasies about feeling desired are about more than just knowing that your partner finds you attractive; they're about making you irresistible and your partner yearning for you," Lehmiller explained. "This piques a sense of urgency, passion, and connection that intensifies the sexual experience."
Debunking the myth of spontaneous sex
Bewilderingly, sexual sparks do not always arise spontaneously, especially in long-term relationships.
"In the early stages of relationships, we tend to maintain a connection on a sexual level more successfully, as there are fewer shared identities," said Rebecca Sokoll, a sex therapist based in New York. "The lengthier a couple stays together, the more identity overlap we experience. We aren't merely lovers and friends; we are intertwined financially, as roommates, and many other aspects of our selves that are not sexual. Many of us aren't even aware that our sexual selves have been ignored due to their apparent disappearance."
That's not the only barrier that can hinder the cultivation of the erotic string. "Anxiety and stress, resentment and unresolved conflicts, predictability, discomfort with sexual language, fear of rejection, lack of experience, and even distractions like social media can obstruct our attempts," Needle stated.
Revitalizing desire
So, how can you rekindle sexual sparks? Here's what I suggest to my clients.
Ease the pressure. Focusing excessively on sex or its frequency can often create pressure and anxiety, leading to avoidance.
"Instead, I encourage couples to concentrate on nurturing their erotic camaraderie," said Signe Simon, a New York-based psychologist.
"This could involve flirting, sexting, making out, or giving massages, without the intention of sexual intercourse. When partners feel desired without pressure or expectation, it fosters aliveness and romance in the relationship, often igniting desire."
Added Simone Humphrey, a New York psychologist, "Remember to acknowledge and appreciate your partner's romantic gestures!"
Don't make assumptions. In heterosexual relationships, men tend to be more prone to spontaneous desire and may be more likely to initiate erotic advances. For example, a husband might find his wife after a shower sexually appealing, while she might see him in the same situation and think, "He'd better get dressed, or we're going to be late."
However, this does not imply that she does not find him desirable, or that men don't desire to be desired.
"Many women experience sexual attraction when they feel emotionally connected to their partner or in response to erotic stimuli, such as flirting, explicit language, touch sensations, or other sexual cues," Elizabeth Perri, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Illinois, noted.
"Men want to be desired, too," Perri explained. "We are socialized to view women as the 'sexual object,' while men demonstrate desire and pursue. However, in my experience working with heterosexual couples, I find that the female partner is often surprised to discover the male partner's strong desire to be desired, pursued, and even sexually objectified."
Maintain a slow boil. There are numerous ways to keep the spark of desire alive between sexual encounters. "Hello and goodbye rituals are crucial for couples; I encourage my clients to cherish the kiss or embrace so they can simmer until the next time they can be sexual," said Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York.
"An essential aspect of this is abandoning the notion of refraining from starting something unless it can be completed," Dillon stated. "Flirting plays an important role in preserving the erotic spark. Sending seductive photos or messages can serve to maintain the spark during the day. Touch is also essential for preserving the connection, and eye contact is one of the most intimate ways we can achieve this."
"Overheating" is another effective method for couples dealing with differing libidos or a desire imbalance. Frequently, when couples encounter a desire discrepancy, touch becomes laden. Any physical contact between partners becomes either a query (Are you available for intimacy?) or a proposition (Let's engage in intimacy!), mentioned Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist hailing from Illinois.
Consequently, couples might reduce physical contact due to fear of misinterpretation or rejection.
Dr. Solomon explained, "With overheating, a couple agrees to engage in ample touch that serves as an end in itself, such as kissing in the kitchen or a lingering embrace in the bathroom, among other instances."
"Such touch reaffirms both partners' erotic connection without necessarily leading to any further action at that moment. When couples practice overheating, they keep that channel open, making it easier to transition from a domestic connection to an erotic one."
Reciprocate each other's desires - with consent. Feeling desired, coveted, or like an object of sexual attraction can be empowering, but many individuals, especially men, require their partner's consent for such experiences. "A healthy relationship allows for the objectification of our partner to enhance our sexual experience," stated Dillon. "You can give this consent through various means, such as expressing it explicitly - 'I desire you,' - to engaging in dirty talk or straightforwardly discussing consent."
Remember your partner's unique desires. "If you intend to keep an erotic connection alive by performing actions you know your partner dislikes, it will not yield success," clarified Sokoll.
"Sometimes, unnoticed factors may cause people to disregard, criticize, or dismiss their lover's response, thereby obstructing any effort to preserve an erotic connection. To succeed, it is crucial to be aware of your lover's preferences."
Maintain open communication. Unsure about how to proceed? Begin with a dialogue. "Engaging in actions meant to nurture an erotic connection within your relationship might feel intimidating. You might fear sending the wrong message, resulting in a frustrated or bewildered lover who assumed an invitation for a full-fledged intimate encounter," said Sokoll.
"Inform your partner of your intentions. You can express, 'I aim to boost our sexual connection during periods we don't engage in intimacy,' or 'I wish to explore activities helping us recall that we are in a sexual relationship.' This can and should be light-hearted."
Bear in mind, the erotic thread, and intimacy itself, underpin the bond that keeps strong relationships intact. "Following intimacy, couples often discover they are more content and perceive life as more significant," remarked Dillon. "Share these sentiments with each other to preserve that connection and 'overheat' until your next intimate encounter."
The study conducted by Justin Lehmiller revealed that a majority of women and men frequently fantasize about feeling desired, which can significantly contribute to their sexual fantasies. Maintaining open communication about desires and consent is crucial in preserving the erotic spark and keeping the relationship healthy and satisfying, as highlighted by sex therapist Eva Dillon.
To foster aliveness and romance in the relationship and rekindle sexual sparks, it's essential to concentrate on nurturing the erotic camaraderie, which could involve activities like flirting, sexting, or giving massages. By easing the pressure and focusing on these actions without the expectation of immediate sexual activity, partners can maintain a slow boil of desire.
