- Engaging in online dating can sometimes result in exhaustion or weariness.
With one hand gripping the mobile, the other flicking through an app, a stranger's face appears on the screen. A quick glance, and a decision is made: attraction or not. Tap, tap.
Online dating has been around for quite some time now. A recent survey by Bitkom in Germany indicates that 20 million individuals have utilized apps like Tinder, Parship, Bumble, and more. Approximately 60% of them have found meaningful connections through these platforms. Bitkom surveyed 1,005 people in Germany aged 16 and above for this data.
Youthful apprehension
Many young people often feel uncertain when faced with numerous options when seeking companionship. This was evident in a study from India showcased at a conference in Prague. About half of the participants, predominantly aged between 18 and 30, reported feelings of confusion in their search for a partner, with women experiencing this more frequently than men.
Researchers link this uncertainty to digitally edited photos and the abundance of potential matches on the internet. Constantly being exposed to manipulated images can increase people's expectations of potential partners, while also being bombarded with an excessive number of options on dating apps and social media can significantly affect young people's reality and expectations of potential partners.
Dating fatigue
Wera Aretz, a couple therapist and psychologist at the Hochschule Fresenius in Cologne, is concerned about dating exhaustion. Sustained stress and frustration in online dating can lead to this psychological syndrome, as per her article in the "Journal of Business and Media Psychology." While dating exhaustion is not a separate illness, it can manifest in emotional exhaustion, cynicism, and decreased performance. It is estimated to affect around 14% of users of dating platforms.
Those most susceptible to experiencing dating burnout are those who suffer from monotony while swiping through profiles in search of an interesting match. Some people may spend hours reading profiles and sending the same messages, only to be left without a date. The practice of ghosting, or suddenly being ignored or blocked without explanation, also poses a risk for dating burnout. Studies have shown that individuals with low self-esteem or attachment issues are particularly affected.
The unfair system
"Online dating is not fair at all," asserts Johanna Degen, a social psychologist and couple therapist in Flensburg. "It's extremely sexist and discriminatory. You rarely see people with disabilities on dating apps."
Lying, cheating, and self-promotion
This might be why people try to present their best selves and stand out from the crowd, suggests Degen. However, she warns: "The more I optimize my profile, the more stress I have, because I have to live up to this perfect version of myself as an identity, and then experience the disappointment of others on the date."
Couple therapist Aretz has also noticed self-promotion in her clients. Men often exaggerate their height, women lie about their age in their profiles. Educational level is frequently misrepresented, and even one's single status can be fabricated.
And this seems to be common practice. Researchers from India found that individuals in committed relationships also use dating platforms. Aretz notes that dating while in a committed relationship isn't always a bad thing. In certain circumstances, like an open relationship, it can even be positive. Or if a couple wants to explore their sexuality with a third person. However, she cautions: "If one partner doesn't know the other is using dating platforms, it can certainly lead to misunderstandings."
Global Connections
Aretz acknowledges the advantage of online dating in allowing us to connect with potential partners across large distances, resulting in more diverse couples. Social classes play a lesser role in this digital space. In her words, "The most significant advantage is that we can casually and playfully connect with an almost unbelievably vast number of people we wouldn't meet on our way to school, work, or at the supermarket – and from various socio-cultural backgrounds. I can meet people from India, Turkey, Greece – all over the world with just a click."
Despite the persistent stereotype, surveys indicate that individuals on dating apps aren't only looking for brief encounters. Only 6% of users are seeking casual relationships, while 71% want a committed one.
Finding Success in Dating
Some couples therapists recommend paid apps to help find a perfect match, as users tend to be more serious. However, for younger people, Aretz says free apps like Tinder or OkCupid can be more effective due to their younger user base.
Of course, everyone is unique, and individual preferences must be considered. Aretz emphasizes that it's essential not to portray someone you're not, like only showcasing your best photos and listing your best qualities. You should only appeal to those you're genuinely interested in. To find the right person, you have to be honest and weed out the rest: "To find the needle in the haystack, you have to burn the haystack."
In the pursuit of finding someone special, the uncertainty can be overwhelming, especially for young individuals. Despite feeling confused and bombarded with options, one might still express feelings of affection, such as saying, "I love you," to a potential match they've connected with online.
Online dating platforms can provide opportunities to meet people from diverse backgrounds, but the pressure to present an idealized self can lead to stress and disappointment. However, being true to oneself and honest in one's profile can increase the chances of finding a compatible match, potentially leading to a heartfelt declaration of love.
