Disregarding communication, commonly known as ghosting, is generally considered a negative act. However, there are specific situations where it might be deemed acceptable.
"Ghosting has likely existed in some form for eternity," mentioned Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, a psychologist situated in LA and author of "Mind Over Past and Future: Utilizing Psychological Power to Surpass Your Historical Past and Reinvent Your Life."
However, with the rise of online dating around mid-2010s, ghosting became more prevalent. This surge in popularity led Vilhauer to write one of the first psychology articles on the issue in 2015 and Merriam-Webster to incorporate the term into its dictionary in 2017. Searches for the term peaked in 2019.
Currently, Vilhauer noted, there are an abundance of articles on ghosting, and it's so common that many individuals in the dating scene are now prepared for it.
But that doesn’t make being abandoned any less stinging.
"We are biologically wired to interact with others, and rejection impacts us negatively, affecting our self-perception and our sense of security in the world," said Vilhauer. "The pain (is) as real as if you had a physical wound."
Ghosting lacks the definitiveness and assurance of an explicit rejection, which aids people in processing, feeling closure, and moving on. The absence of such elements can be distressing, especially if you're filling in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. Anxiety may increase, which isn't favorable for relationships or friendships.
Those responsible for ghosting might feel relief, guilt, both simultaneously, or indifference, Vilhauer said.
Why people ghost
Our modern era encourages expediency and inhumanity through technology and dating apps, making many uncomfortable with complex emotions and obligated to people we might never encounter again.
On dating apps, ghosting can be a straightforward approach to terminating one of multiple connections someone is simultaneously engaging in, said Dr. Rich Slatcher, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia. Anonymity eases dehumanization, he said, and how much we owe someone isn't universally agreed upon, especially in the early stages.
Determining the message to ensure a breakup while still protecting feelings can be challenging. Some lack maturity or empathy. Others are avoidant and dislike confrontations, as people tend to respond negatively to being told, "I don't want to interact with you anymore," Slatcher said.
If you tend to ghost for this reason, you're likely avoiding confrontations in other areas of your life, Slatcher said. Consulting with a therapist can assist you in overcoming this habit.
The decision to ghost another person isn't always conscious, sometimes people simply choose to disregard the issue in their mind as they don't feel like addressing it at the time, resulting in non-response.
"Some individuals struggle with responding to text messages and cannot seem to get their act together," Slatcher said.
When ghosting is or isn’t OK
There are specific individuals who would prefer to be ghosted rather than enduring knowledge of dislike, Vilhauer said. However, predicting someone's feelings is impossible, so providing closure is generally best when terminating a friendship or romantic connection, experts suggested.
The most acceptable reason for ghosting is undoubtedly if there has been abuse or if further communication could put you in danger, Vilhauer said. In an abusive relationship, leaving is often the most hazardous step, she added.
Sometimes, people have attempted rejection before, and the person reacted aggressively. To protect themselves, they choose to ghost, Vilhauer said.
Ghosting is acceptable if the other person exhibits inappropriate behaviors such as unsolicited explicit content, unwanted intrusion, negatively contacting exes, theft, or flagrant disregard for boundaries, Vilhauer explained.
However, the long-term effects of ghosting are uncertain. While ghosting might provide temporary relief, it might also contribute to negative encounters in the future, Freedman said.
While some individuals believe ghosting someone they've just met is acceptable, experts disagree. Generally, they advocate for a considerate and respectful disengagement, such as sending a brief message like this: "It was nice meeting you, but I didn't sense a connection."
If you find yourself contemplating ghosting someone, consider if it's necessary or if you want to escape an awkward situation. Is ghosting a reasonable solution for you? Do you feel good about it?
When you’re the ‘ghostee’
If you've been ghosted, try not to dwell on it excessively, especially as the individual likely forgets about you, Slatcher said. That being said, it's easier said than done, he added, but distractions like exercise, music, and hobbies can provide valuable relief.
"When someone pulls a ghosting act on us, we might experience a sense of not fitting in," Freedman explains. "Reach out to your other buddies to rekindle those connections or touch base with the family to remind yourself of the other arenas in life where you do feel a sense of belonging and a boosted self-image."
Venting is alright, but after a while, harping on about it can be pointless since you have no power or insight into why they bailed, Slatcher points out.
Giving them an explanation once or twice is cool, but don't keep pushing for reasons, Vilhauer advises. Recognize that they're deliberately ignoring your messages – that's a statement in itself, and you shouldn't hold on to someone who isn't holding on to you.
Despite the prevalence of ghosting in modern relationships and dating, prioritizing health and wellness can help individuals cope with the emotional pain. After being ghosted, engaging in self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or therapy can help improve mental health and resilience. Additionally, seeking support from friends and family can also contribute to the overall wellness and recovery process.
