Couples Finding Ways to Break Out of the Quietness
Life's passions and pastimes, offspring or careers - these elements can make a relationship thrive. But what happens when the kids move out, the job is behind us, and the shared interests fade?
Many elderly couples share the same living space, yet distance can sometimes set in. Sometimes, one partner might eavesdrop on the other's phone calls, not finding anything new to share, as per Prof. Michael Vogt, who studies relationships in old age at the University of Coburg. He also advises couples.
With age, more and more social connections weaken, "friends and acquaintances pass away, kids live far away," explains Vogt.
Over time, health issues may limit one's activities, making travel, outings, and theater visits more challenging. This lack of external stimuli can result in fewer interesting topics when couples don't make an effort to engage.
Chats about Healing, not Feelings
The communication between long-term partners often revolves around practical matters, as Michael Vogt elaborates. This means: They discuss primarily the logistics of daily life. Who should buy the next bottle of water? What should we cook for the weekend? Have we ordered the herbs yet?
These topics have little connection to one's inner world, i.e., needs, emotions, desires. However, regular discussions about such matters are crucial, as a marriage and partnership counselor notes.
One might think, "But I already know everything about my partner, their thoughts, and feelings!"? That could be part of the problem. "Not asking certain questions because one thinks they already know the answer can lead to emotional communication coming to a halt - and the feeling of having nothing new to share can grow stronger," says Michael Vogt.
Weekly Meetups
For couples who find themselves in this situation, Dorothee Doering offers hope: "There are ways to keep a relationship going and to keep the conversation going," says the educator and communication counselor. But it takes effort: "One must make an effort to show interest in each other, set aside time to rekindle conversations, and focus on what matters to the other."
The Art of Listening
When it comes to disappointment, partners should express their thoughts from their own perspective. Using "you" messages can lead to criticisms sneaking in. "Moreover, truly listening to what the other has just said - and not just waiting to insert one's own thoughts - results in two monologues and no real conversation," says Dorothee Doering.
Couples need to practice active listening. And part of that involves accepting that not everyone communicates the same way. One person might find it easy to structure their thoughts into words, while another might struggle to get to the point.
Regular conversations that go beyond daily logistics can be tough to establish. However, it's worth the effort: "This changes our perception of each other, and we work more mindfully together," says Doering. This can help rekindle the relationship and bring us closer.
Hobbies and Friendships
Besides meaningful conversations, closeness is also cultivated by having individual pursuits - be it a hobby, volunteering, a sports class, or a friendship. Through these activities, one gathers new experiences and receives feedback from others. "And then we bring these new experiences back into our relationship," says Vogt.
These new experiences can even happen within the comfort of our own homes. "This can also be a discussion about books or movies," says Vogt. "But not about what I read or saw, but about how it affected me, what thoughts and emotions it stirred within me." Once again, the focus is on emotional communication.
A Matter of Balance
Another factor that fosters closeness: working together on a shared future. "People don't stop dreaming about what lies ahead as they grow older," says Vogt.
This doesn't have to be a detailed five-year plan. It's enough to focus on the upcoming months and discuss: What would we like to do together? At the end of it all might be the plan to attend a play, a dance event, or even a small trip. These plans break the monotony of daily life and create shared experiences and memories. And thus, conversation topics.
Ultimately, it's about finding a balance between independence and partnership, summarizes Vogt. Besides intimacy, sexuality, shared beliefs, and values, this is one of the four pillars of a strong relationship. And it's essential to remain open and receptive to the other. "If one emotionally engages with the other - then there will always be enough conversation topics," says Dorothee Doering.
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In some senior couples, the lack of external stimuli and shared interests can lead to limited conversations about feelings and emotions, focusing more on practical matters. To combat this, they can engage in hobbies independently or together, share experiences from these activities, and have deeper conversations based on emotional responses.
International travel can be a challenging activity for elderly couples due to health issues and limited mobility, but discussing potential future plans for local events or trips can help create shared experiences and conversation topics.
