Are influencers, specifically those focusing on male experiences, potentially shaping the future minds of our sons?
I suspected my boys might have more info on certain popular guys and influencers than me, considering they're way more clued up on what's happening online than I am.
So while my 11-year-old was killing it in his video games and my older boy wrapped up his own, I asked them who they knew in that circle. They promptly spouted off a bunch of names, many of which weren't familiar to me.
I guess I'm not as hip as I thought, but I thought I kept a pretty close eye on the online world my boys were diving into.
What really surprised me was how much they knew about these influential figures. I was blown away by their insights, including the.... summer arrest of influencer Andrew Tate... and the hate and discrimination some lesser-known individuals have spread online.
Tate's facing house arrest following allegations of human trafficking and indecent acts with a minor, and my boys were totally in the loop. (Tate denies these claims.) When I asked my elder son where he'd gotten all this info, he simply said, "The internet is vast, Dad."
This is when I started looking into the folks they mentioned, which falls under the category of the manosphere. It's a virtual world popular with Tate and other supposed male influencers, and their followers.
The manosphere is a realm where male supremacy and hatred are masked as supporter of men's issues. I saw comment threads, discussions, and idolisation that left me staggered. Some online communities view women as possessions rather than people, and on certain platforms, there are postings justifying the abuse and manipulation of women.
You'd think it'd be quite clear what draws our young boys to these so-called manfluencers. Obviously, they're drawn to wealth, power, and sexual attraction, but experts say the reasons are more complex and layered.
What's the real appeal of manfluencers?
It's simple to assume an influencer with a Lamborghini and tons of bikini-clad babes is the lure for the boys. Those things might grab their attention, but experts say it's not what keeps them enthralled.
"It seems like it offers you connection," said Dr. Niobe Way, who has researched the psyche of boys and men for four decades.
According to Way, our boys see these male influencers as their chance to rule, the ultimate draw for our young men. That's where they seek to be the elite, above others. At the top, they find what they truly want – connection and acceptance.
But there's a social hierarchy in boys' and men's culture, Way discovered. The summit of this hierarchy – where one is viewed as having value – is fame, money, and women. That's the message boys are picking up from the manosphere. To possess something or someone is the epitome of success.
Boys are drawn to these men and their pseudo-signifiers of success. They see themselves as climbing the hierarchy and aspiring to be at the top, Way explained. "There's a desire to be like the humans who are on top, to be heard," she said.
They think they're no longer the bottom of humanity's totem pole.
Fans who adore specific influencers find their feelings validated, Way said. "He tells them they don't deserve to be at the bottom, you should be on top with me. And then they find a connection, away from those who they feel put them at the bottom."
This imaginary sense of worth is a make-believe balloon that exists only in their heads. "It only adds to their suffering. It can make things worse," Way said. "Those on the internet are often the loneliest."
How can parents communicate with our sons?
The conversation about what our sons find in the manosphere should start before a word is uttered, according to Dr. Grey Endres, associate professor of social work at Missouri Western State University.
For moms and dads, "be aware of how you interact with others and how your son sees that interaction," said Endres, who's also a clinical consultant at Newhouse, a domestic violence shelter in Kansas City, Missouri.
"Model the behavior you want to see," he said, whether it's respect, empathy, or compassion. "Show them in your family interactions how you treat people and what's acceptable to you. Teach them those values through your actions."
It's important to show respect beyond women – it's about respecting everyone. Since teenagers can be tough to connect with directly, try praising them to others and communicating openly.
Avoid long-winded lectures about life and make conversations more meaningful, Endres suggested. "It's a series of shorter conversations over time about connection with others, mental health, and how we treat the opposite sex," he said.
In these conversations, we need to "label it, name the behaviors, have the conversations about how we treat humans, and be consistent about it, creating moments for talk," Endres concluded.
He suggested delivering "connecting questions" to encourage empathy. "Question like, 'How would you feel if you were treated this way?' or 'What if someone you love was treated unfairly or made fun of?' Repeat these queries to establish accountability."
I find solace in thinking that these dialogue moments will counteract the presence of influencers on the internet for my boys. Fortuity shines upon me, as these young internet users have four supportive dads stalking the same platforms to assist in monitoring their activities. Nevertheless, I'm well aware that my fortunes differ from many fathers out there.
My eldest son gently reminded me that the web is a vast and unfathomable entity, leaving me no choice but to recognize and address the imperfections of my watchful efforts. This is when the art of performing "emotional check-ins" comes in handy in offering advice relative to their online experiences.
My objective is to recreate the aforementioned accountability, as Endres advocated. Accountability, both to oneself and towards others, serves as a powerful tool in helping boys cultivate a healthy self-worth.
I frequently use meal times to discuss internet content, drawing from a mix of humor and thought-provoking debates. In these situations, I actively engaged my children with curiosity, as suggested by Way. Conversing with them allows me to delve into their thoughts, seeking to understand their perspectives better.
If we take a moment to attentively absorb what they have to say, to ensure they are being heard, then we can walk them through an appreciation of both hard and tender emotions. By leading them past the empty allure of luxury vehicles and wealth, we can steer them clear from the malicious manipulations of these 'manfluencers'.
Shannon Carpenter, a writer and author of the celebrated book 'The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad', is a loving father of three.
Despite my efforts to stay informed about the online world, I realized the importance of promoting health and wellness in discussing influencers with my boys. I began incorporating conversations about respect and empathy towards others to balance the allure of manfluencers.
Moreover, recognizing the vastness of the internet, I started conducting regular emotional check-ins with my sons, fostering an open and safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings about online content.
