The burden of thinking too much about others

They are everywhere, these helpful people who never say no, never bake a cake or never give a presentation. What may be useful for everyone else often proves to be a serious problem for these people pleasers. Ulrike Bossmann is a qualified psychologist, therapist and coach. She advises people who simply cannot say no. Because there are ways to escape the harmony trap.

ntv.de: What is people pleasing anyway?

Ulrike Bossmann: It's about people who place a lot of importance on the well-being of others, on pleasing others and who put the well-being of others above their own.

Are you born that way or do you become that way?

There are several factors that play a psychological role. People who later think more about what others think, need and want than about what they themselves might need or want have had certain experiences in childhood. Often, certain behavior was important in order to secure love, appreciation, recognition or simply belonging. More women than men are people pleasers. This certainly has to do with gender roles and the typical socialization of girls and women, who are expected to conform. They are already asked to share their toys and give something away in the sandpit. This is seen as sweet. If they act a little more self-confident, they may be more likely to offend. But there are also general social developments that contribute to this.

What are they?

Overall, everything is getting faster and denser, which is probably true for all of us. The to-do lists are never finished and we could always do more in all areas of life, whether at home or at work. Basically, we are all social beings; we care about how others around us are doing. This can lead us to neglect our own needs. If I cut out my own breaks, I can of course get a lot more work done and still be there for my colleague or the children. I also notice that we are evaluating more and more and are being evaluated more and more. Social media contributes a lot to this. If I've had my car in the garage or been out for a meal, I'm asked for a review. This also has advantages because we can naturally develop further through feedback. But it puts the focus very much on this rating and we are increasingly tempted to pay attention to what rating others give. I might then hold back a very well-founded criticism or do something that I no longer have the desire or energy to do.

In a team, it's certainly good if you take an interest in each other, how you're doing and whether you're getting on well. What is problematic about people pleasing?

We all prefer to work with nice and helpful people, that's clear. The difference with people pleasing is that you are no longer free to choose. Do I want to help right now and do I even have the capacity? I may not even be responsible, but I'll drop everything. And not because I've made a conscious decision. That makes people pleasing problematic. Maybe I don't address something critical because I don't think it's that bad. That would be normal behavior. But if I never dare to address something critical or actively manage a conflict because harmony is so important to me and I'm afraid that others won't like me anymore or that I'll be a bad person if I do, then it becomes problematic.

What consequences can that have?

Psychologist Ulrike Bossmann advises people on mental health issues.

The conflicts simply continue to simmer. Maybe it creates a bad atmosphere in the team or in the family. Important things and certain perspectives are not addressed at all and people who constantly go beyond their limits are predestined candidates for burnout. If I constantly take on tasks in favor of others and put my own projects on hold, I personally go home unsatisfied. My own work may fall by the wayside. At some point, this also affects the relationship because you resent the other person.

What are the signs that you are a people pleaser?

When people realize that they are constantly worried or concerned about what others think about them. People pleasers will go over situations they have experienced with others five times in their minds afterwards. They ask themselves, did I say too much or did I phrase it wrong? Or should I have behaved differently? I hope I didn't offend the other person too much. People pleasers always think about others first and not about themselves. They don't ask themselves, "How would I like Christmas to be?" Instead, the first question is: What do others expect? What is convenient for others? It is not an option to think about your own needs and wishes or to assert your own interests if they run counter to those of others. This "I sacrifice myself for others" is classic. I put my own breaks, my own self-care on the back burner and feel bad. Self-esteem is very closely linked to this. I only feel great when others tell me that they need me. But I feel insanely bad when I think I may have let someone down or hurt them.

Why should people pleasers change their behavior?

One simple reason is that it costs them a lot because they are either exhausted all the time or they are also annoyed by others who are supposedly inconsiderate. They are also always in danger of being taken advantage of. You also become freer when your self-esteem no longer depends on whether you have satisfied the other person. Everyone should develop a sense of their own self-worth and the conviction: "I am right the way I am." Good relationships can withstand conflict or a contrary opinion. These people lack this experience.

There are probably strategies for becoming at least a little less of a people pleaser. What are they?

People can observe in which situations do I actually tend to do this? Where am I compliant? Where do I put my opinion on hold? Where do I keep quiet, even though I actually have something to say? You can do this without claiming to do anything differently. Suddenly you consciously realize in how many situations - some obvious, others less obvious - you tend to be a people pleaser, holding back or putting aside your own. In my experience, people often realize that I don't really want to be like that. My advice is to start where it is easy to do something different. That might be where people ask for your opinion. People Pleaser then often say: "I don't care" or "What do you prefer?" They ask questions or abstain from giving an opinion. But when someone asks me: Would you prefer Italian or Greek for lunch? Then I try to answer. Either what I want or, if I don't know yet, then something. It's all about gaining that empowerment and starting to consider your own perspective. I also sometimes just give the homework assignment to have "don't please" days. For one day, you don't please. That doesn't mean not being friendly, but it does mean not being pleasing. That's a big difference.

What's so difficult about that?

People pleasers need to discover or rediscover their own interests, hobbies, desires, goals. They need a new experience, which means: It's okay if I show myself and impose myself on others. They don't run away when I say something critical or when I'm uncomfortable. It's even appreciated. If someone only shows a little of themselves, then I have less to respect. Sometimes people pleasers also accumulate internal resentment, which can lead to a passive-aggressive attitude. In extreme cases, you don't even notice it because the people pleaser hasn't taken a stand at all. This simply makes it difficult to reconcile points of view or to be on an equal footing in the long term. People pleasers who suddenly start to say no, to set themselves apart, to defend a position, have a lot to gain.

What changes when you are less pleasing?

Whether in my private life or at work, I'm suddenly being asked more if I can do something. Before, it was perhaps taken for granted. My own ideas can no longer be marketed by others because I contribute them myself. I might be invited to work on new projects. There is also a lot to be gained in terms of relationships at eye level. It's about taking others seriously and what they need. And also taking yourself seriously. That doesn't mean only thinking about yourself. I think there is a gain in energy, but also a vitality, because I am suddenly pursuing my own things again, or pursuing them in the first place, which I have not considered at all for years. I can then approach people with a completely different inner serenity and be much more relaxed. Perhaps there will also be more time for exactly the right and important people or projects again, because I differentiate more and no longer say yes everywhere.

Solveig Bach spoke to Ulrike Bossmann