Customs - "Festival of love"? Why there are often arguments at Christmas
The family gathers around the festively decorated tree and sings Christmas carols before everyone sits down at the richly laid table to share a meal - movies and songs that are played up and down these days are full of such clichés about the "festival of love". This fuels expectations and, according to psychologists, is partly to blame for the fact that the reality is often different.
"We still associateChristmas with a quiet, holy night, with red cheeks and gingerbread, and everyone loves each other," says psychologist Christine Backhaus from Frankfurt am Main. But you actually know exactly what problems could arise when you celebrate with your family. A lot of things have often built up, and Christmas then acts like a burning glass.
Creating your own ideal
Many people know the situation: you visit your parents as an adult and after just one day your nerves are frayed. Or the parents come to visit and the argument is not long in coming. The reason is that patterns acquired in childhood kick in again, as Hamburg psychologist Susanne Schmal explains.
"These patterns are deeply rooted in us, it's like an autopilot. When we celebrate Christmas and our parents arrive, things may still go very smoothly on the first day. But on the second or third day, things sometimes come to a head," says Schmal. Suddenly you're no longer the grown-up woman, but the young daughter again. The parents also fall back into their patterns. "Then there are arguments because I think my father always wants me to do my best or my mother always wants the house to be clean and now she's going around checking everything again."
To avoid this and have a more relaxed celebration, Schmal advises discussing the respective ideas within the family beforehand. When should the tree be decorated, how should the presents be presented and does it really need an elaborate menu that will strain the cook's nerves? It's about creating your own ideal beyond the usual clichés.
Open discussions are important
Frankfurt psychologist Backhaus says that it's worth talking openly with parents at an advanced age: "It's usually well received if you don't formulate it as a reproach, but say what you think would be nice." One way to intervene when an argument flares up is to agree on a kind of "joker" or "time-out symbol" within the family, which is then placed on the table before the drama takes its course. Once the situation has cooled down, the conversation can be resumed. There is very good experience with this from couples therapy, says Backhaus.
The psychologists advise reflecting on which of your own needs have fallen by the wayside on such an evening."Do Ineed more rest, do I need to stretch my legs, do I need more space?" Backhaus gives examples. Then you have to pluck up the courage to address this - and also ask about the needs of others. This can lead to an exchange about which rituals everyone likes and where changes would be useful.
It's worth identifying stimulating topics beforehand and asking yourself what could help you relax at that moment - for example, taking five deep breaths, says Hamburg psychologist Schmal. Or you can set rules from the outset and say, for example: "Mum, I don't want to talk about this topic at Christmas."
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- Despite the festive atmosphere in Frankfurt on the Main during Christmas, psychologist Christine Backhaus acknowledges the potential for arguments within families, as they often associate the holiday with past conflicts and expectations.
- Susanne Schmal, a psychologist from Hamburg, suggests that these familial patterns which resurface at Christmas are deeply rooted and function like an autopilot, triggering arguments when parents and children fall back into their respective roles.
- Schmal suggests discussing expectations and ideal celebrations within the family beforehand to create a more harmonious atmosphere, addressing requirements such as decorating the tree, giving gifts, and preparing meals to fit everyone's needs.
- Christine Backhaus advises frank and open communication with parents, presenting suggestions without criticism, and utilizing a "joker" or "time-out symbol" to resolve disputes before they escalate further.
- Backhaus emphasizes the importance of consciously acknowledging and addressing individual needs during the holiday season, asking for what you need to relax and feel content while also considering the needs of others for an enriching conversation about preferred rituals and potential changes.
- To foster a more enjoyable and less tense Christmas celebration, Schmal encourages setting rules and limitations, such as forbidding certain topics or taking breaks for relaxation techniques, to cultivate a harmonious and enjoyable festive season in Hesse or beyond.
Source: www.stern.de
