After a feast of arguments: is separation really the solution?
According to psychologists, around one in three break-ups takes place after the end of the year. Are you also toying with the idea? Don't rush straight to the divorce lawyer, advises a couples therapist.
Instead of the longed-for harmony, the shreds flew over the festive period. Even the start of the new year didn't ease the tension in the relationship. Instead of loving mutual wishes for each other and looking forward to what's to come, there's a pounding in the head: I'm not going to do this anymore!
"Anyone who now sees separation as the only way out should know that Breaking up doesn't automatically make everything better," says couples therapist Piroska Gavallér-Rothe from Salenstein in Switzerland. In an interview, the book author ("Wertschätzend Klartext reden") recommends putting energy into the relationship rather than into a break-up.
If the relationship is at an impasse and the level of suffering is very high, then it is very sensible to separate. Why do you see it differently?
Piroska Gavallér-Rothe: Getting away from what is stressing you out - that seems very attractive to people who are suffering in their relationship. The idea of separation is based on a longing for positive change. However, a break-up also causes consequential damage that doesn't necessarily make life any easier.
What kind of damage are you thinking of?
When you separate, you need a second home, new furniture and often a second car. There may also be costs for the divorce. This can quickly lead to a financial crisis - especially if there are children and you earn very little.
However, a separation is also psychologically stressful - for everyone involved. The break-up of the nuclear family can even hit children hard in their mid-twenties. If the children are younger, the emotional burden is even greater for them. And as a single parent, I suddenly have to cope with everything on my own and also have the whole patchwork hassle on my cheek. None of this should be underestimated.
But doesn't a separation also create the prospect of new happiness in love?
You have to find a new partner first. And then the question is whether this person is better suited to you. In my practice, I often find that the old problems resurface in the new relationship.
So could you cut the problem short by mending the old relationship?
Before everything goes off the rails, in most cases I would give the existing relationship another chance. However, kittening alone won't get you very far. You have to do a lot to bring about a profound change.
And what would that be?
First of all, it helps to learn to communicate better so that you can talk about critical issues in a way that doesn't immediately lead to an argument. That alone can bring a lot of relief.
That sounds understandable, but also as if that's not all?
Exactly! Secondly, it is also important to understand the interactions that lead to arguments or withdrawal. For example, SHE is afraid of being too close, HE has a tendency to cling. Such dynamics quickly lead to a vicious circle. The more closeness HE demands, the more SHE withdraws. Only when you recognize what is happening can you break the vicious circle.
Doesn't sound so easy when your partner's behavior is stressing you out ...
That's right, because everyone has red buttons where they react excessively or as if on autopilot. This is due to biographical influences and old injuries. They prevent us from remaining calm and reacting appropriately to the situation, and are usually also drivers of the couple dynamics just mentioned.
Once the couple has gained these insights, it's not yet peace, joy and happiness, is it?
Insights are one thing, effective change is another. Reactive behavior is deeply ingrained and is not so easy to change. Reading blog posts or listening to podcasts is not enough to effectively get stress out of the system.
So how do I do it?
By understanding that where I react excessively strongly, there is a wounded part of me. Learning to deal with this part sensitively and giving it what it is sorely lacking on the outside is the key! Then the stress subsides and we can react calmly - even when our partner tramples on our pain point again.
What may not sound like a big deal now is what takes up most of my time in my work with couples.
Does that mean I do my homework and my partner can do what they want?
To put it bluntly, yes. I also accompany people whose partners don't want to be accompanied. And it's always impressive to see how much positive impact they can achieve on their own.
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Source: www.ntv.de
