- My boyfriend has very different social rules than me, we keep getting into each other's way.
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
I am Mihra, 26, from Bosnia. I grew up in a very strict but loving family. Both my parents were immigrants and workers, building a life for themselves here. I had to be well-behaved, do well in school, show the Germans that I could make it. And if not, there were stern words or a slap.
I've been with a German, Frederick, for two years now, who was raised very differently. He seemed to be able to do anything, and is more of a free spirit (hippie-mother, Waldorf school, his father would visit occasionally and spoil him).
We often argue because he often hurts me. Here are a few examples: We were at the farmers' market together, and since the lines were long, we decided to split up. He went to the bakery, I went to the vegetable stand. Eventually, I went looking for him, walked around the market three times, and couldn't find him. He didn't answer his phone either. I was completely distraught. Twenty minutes later, he called me back and said he was in a café three streets away. I accused him of not telling me and making me look for him. He said he had finished his shopping and felt like a cappuccino. In the end, he makes it seem like I'm not quite normal or overly sensitive for getting so upset.
Another example: We were invited to a party at friends' place, and everyone was supposed to bring something. I asked specifically what was desired and took care of it (a specific cake that I baked). My boyfriend came to me before the party and asked if I had any wine lying around that he could bring.
Or: We ordered food. He ordered a large pizza for the two of us and told me not to order too much. I had gotten dessert and drinks for both of us. Then I started eating the pizza, and after the third piece, he told me he wanted some too. I was hurt because there were at least 12 pieces and the pizza was for both of us. Somehow, he admitted that he had actually ordered it for himself or suddenly had more hunger than he thought.
Or: He wants to spend the night at my place and says he'll be there around 8 pm. Then I don't hear from him until 9 pm and call him. He says he'll leave soon (the trip takes a maximum of 15 minutes). Then it's 10 pm and he's still not there, even though I usually get ready for bed by 10 pm, latest 10:30 pm. If I call him then, he doesn't answer or reacts irritably and asks why I'm being so pushy.
Once, he cooked himself some food and walked down the street eating it out of the bowl. I thought it was embarrassing and told him so. He found it uptight and laughed at me. When I walked away from him, he was offended.
We discuss and argue about this for hours, but it doesn't seem to solve anything. Something always happens, and he accuses me of being very strict, controlling, and overly sensitive.
Is that really the case? And what can we do to find a solution?
Best regards, Mihra L.
From the beginning:
You've always been accustomed to adapting, following rules, and functioning properly. I don't know how much the "slaps" and stern words frightened you, but it's possible that you're constantly trying not to make mistakes to avoid being hit or scolded again.
Your friend is the exact opposite in this regard. He doesn't like following rules, finds it cool to disregard them so much that he doesn't even acknowledge their existence.
A personal example: I hate crafting with all my heart. Wrapping gifts falls under this category. I know it's a social rule that gifts should be wrapped nicely. Since I get in a bad mood when wrapping, I break this rule. Either I wrap the gifts for my family in a silk scarf, tie it quickly, and demand the scarf back after unwrapping, or I wrap the gift in newspaper. But I know I'm breaking a social rule and explain this to the recipients so they understand. And that's that, because it's clear that the rule exists and I know it, but I choose not to follow it for good reasons.
Your friend, however, acts as if these social rules don't exist, as if you're imagining them or demanding them to restrict him. For instance, I once knew a man who seriously accused his wife of intentionally scheduling the Hamburg school holidays to inconvenience him. She then jokingly suggested he should land his spaceship on Earth... Good advice!
It's good that you've provided examples so I can understand the situation better. In all cases, I can tell you that your friend is twisting the situation to suit himself and showing little consideration for you.
Regarding the market situation: It's a rule that you shouldn't leave a place (like a party, market, or hospital) without telling the other person or agreeing on a meeting point beforehand. Even kindergarten kids learn where they can move freely (the lawn at the pool, the entire playground), but they must never leave alone. This applies to adults too. We need to agree on a meeting point and stick to it.
And if there's an emergency, like needing to find a toilet urgently, you should quickly send a message to avoid worrying the other person or making them search for you. Phones should make it easier to find each other, with live location sharing possible. But your friend turns off his phone and disappears to enjoy a cappuccino while you search for him.
Regarding the party situation: If something is expected to be brought to a party, it should be done. This is a general rule taught even in school. You should decide as a couple who will take care of it, and it should be fair. Of course, there can be an agreement that you'll take care of it if it's your friends' party, and your friend will handle it for his friends. You didn't mention whose friends you were visiting. But your friend contributes by asking you to buy a wine bottle with your own money and carrying it in your free time. That's quite bold. I understand why you're upset!
Regarding the Pizza Situation: When ordering food together and planning, the meal should be shared equally between both of you. Unless one person claims a specific dish for themselves beforehand (for example: I'd like a whole chocolate pudding or a soy schnitzel - do you want one too?).
Your friend ordered the pizza for both of you and then decided he wanted it all for himself. Instead of admitting this and asking how you should handle it (like ordering another pizza or discussing how much each of you would eat and if it's okay for him to take a bit more), he restricted you and implied that you couldn't share fairly by saying he wanted some after just three pieces. This implies that you wouldn't watch out for fairness on your own and would take more than half without his reminder. I understand why this would hurt you, as you value following rules. Indirectly, he's accusing you of greed and unfairness, which actually applies more to him in this situation.
Regarding Being Late: He also doesn't follow the social rule of being on time or at least letting you know if he's running late. He ignores your daily schedule and even reverses the victim-perpetrator dynamic. He should apologize for making you wait over two hours and ask if his visit is still welcome. Instead, he takes liberties at your expense and blames you, calling you controlling and petty.
Regarding the Bowl on the Street: Eating from a bowl on the street is definitely a breach of etiquette. It's not like a candy bar or ice cream, it's street food. Your friend could at least acknowledge this breach and see how you feel about it. If you didn't mind or even found it funny, that would be fine. But you're clearly uncomfortable. You're embarrassed on his behalf, and he again reverses the victim-perpetrator dynamic, acting as if you're the one doing something wrong or being overly sensitive. He doesn't change his behavior to find a compromise that satisfies both of you; instead, he punishes you and gets upset.
In the end, it seems like the blame always falls on you because he shifts it onto you, and I can imagine that's very hard to deal with.
In general, having a friend for whom social rules mean so little and who so easily disregards them must be challenging for you, as social rules are not a prison you want to escape from, but a framework that provides security and guidance.
Research on couples has repeatedly confirmed the saying: "Birds of a feather flock together."
Opposites may attract at first, but in the long run, it often leads to conflicts if you have very different habits and personalities.
In this context, 'Other' could be used to refer to different social norms or expectations. Here are two sentences that incorporate 'Other':
- Mihra, you've been raised with strict adherence to certain rules and social norms, while Frederick seems to disregard 'other' social norms with ease, leading to misunderstandings and disagreements.
- You might find it challenging to understand arcane 'other' traditions or norms that Frederick engages with, as they are foreign to your upbringing and values.
