- I maintain a consistent companion, yet I also share intimate moments with my girlfriend.
Dear Ms. Peirano,
Lately, I've been having unusual dreams where my partner breaks up with me and I'm publicly exposed, like on a stage or in court. At first, I couldn't comprehend it. But then I pondered and I think these dreams are related to some aspects of my life that don't align perfectly.
I'm a 27-year-old lady from Cologne, who has a group of friends in Berlin's art scene. My bestie introduced me to this group years ago, and whenever I'm in Berlin every three to four weeks, I attend parties and hang out with people.
For about six or seven years, I've also had a recurring thing with Jeanette, the younger sister of a friend. Initially, it was more of an experiment to experience what it's like with women. During that time, I also slept with other women for a while.
But eventually, I stopped sleeping with other women, not with Jeanette. Every time we meet, there's a strong attraction between us. She's very attractive, has a graceful movement, kisses beautifully, and the sex is just fantastic. It's relaxed, intimate, sensual, warm, and smooth. Perfect.
But it's also nothing more than that.
We don't communicate via messages, we don't miss each other when we don't meet, and we don't desire a relationship with each other. Everyone in our Berlin friend group is aware of this, and it's not a big deal. There are no permanent relationships there, just temporary ones.
But now, I've been with an older man (Vincent, 42) for over a year, who is serious about me and has offered for me to move in with him. It's happening in July.
We get along well, he's intelligent, and he inspires me. And with him, I can explore the world from a completely different perspective, such as attending the Biennale in Venice or the film festival in Cannes. And we prefer staying in a luxury hotel rather than a campsite. That was strange for me initially, but now, I really enjoy it.
I love Vincent, and I enjoy our life together. But I also love my own life and my Berlin friend group. Vincent is fine with that. He can separate it well and hasn't wanted to join me so far. But recently, a friend from Cologne was with me in Berlin, who also knows Vincent and me well, and she saw me dancing with Jeanette and went to her room with her. And then she asked me what I was thinking and what Vincent would say if he knew.
And it sounds weird, but it was only in that moment that I realized what I was actually doing. From an outside perspective, it seems like a kind of double life. But strangely, I don't feel guilty about it at all. Jeanette is Jeanette, and Vincent is Vincent, each in their own world, and I have a separate relationship with both of them, and neither takes anything away from the other.
Maybe I was also scared that Vincent would judge me if he knew I was with a woman. He himself has reacted very negatively to a gay film once.
Now the big question is: Am I naive because I didn't even consider that my relationship with Jeanette could be a problem for Vincent?
Do I have to tell him about it or can I just let it be? Or do I have to "end" it with Jeanette, even though it's not even a fixed relationship or an affair?
What should I do?
Best regards,Alina G.
It seems the distance between your worlds is even greater, as it feels like you can almost mentally erase one world when you're in the other.
When you're outside of Berlin, Jeanette practically fades into the background. And when you're in Berlin, Vincent and the world you share with him seem to disappear. Has it always been this way in your life, or did you learn to separate your worlds as a child, perhaps due to your parents' divorce and a strict separation of "Mom's world" and "Dad's world," where you weren't even allowed to speak about the other?
It seems like a strong division that you manage so effortlessly. And the feelings associated with these worlds or specific people, you also split off, making you feel like you're missing a piece of yourself.
And it's only through this "dissociation" - this separation - that you can forget what connects you with Vincent and what you might have agreed upon regarding external relationships. Are there any agreements, explicit or implied, with him about monogamy? It's clear with Jeanette. How would you feel if Vincent had sex with another person, or perhaps even multiple people, without much thought?
Would you accept it if he told you it didn't mean anything because he's known this person for years and has had casual sex with them before, and that he's not taking anything away from you?
If you're comfortable with everyone having their own sexual experiences (but not discussing it), you could discuss this with Vincent. How do you feel about having this conversation with him? Would he be okay with it, or would it be the end of the relationship? For some couples, opening the relationship is a solution.
Monogamy or sexual exclusivity is something most people have mixed feelings about. Most would like to have their own sexual encounters without guilt. The problem is that these same people would be upset and hurt if their partner did the same (or even wanted to).
Hey there,
Many duos choose to abstain from sexual adventures with others to steer clear of dealing with their significant other doing the same. It's essentially a trade: I'll give you something because I want you to reciprocate with the same in return. What's your take on not having any constraints? You appear to gain a lot from Vincent within the relationship, but you overlook the fact that you should return the favor. How would you react if the roles were reversed? Or what would you think of a pal doing the same thing in her relationship? Are you one of those who also disregard agreements in other areas of life (like not paying debts, breaking promises, not completing tasks...)? And what do you expect from others, especially your partner, in terms of reliability?
If there are discrepancies: How do you justify this for yourself, and do you find this justification sound and fair?
Whenever you feel restricted by certain guidelines, I suggest you renegotiate. Lucky for us, we live in the 21st century, and relationships are flexible. No woman has to do household chores or raise children solely, no man has to be the sole breadwinner, and there's no requirement to marry or live together. People don't need to be faithful either. Countless couples opt for open relationships and make that choice. I think the only important aspect is transparency. A couple should have an open dialogue about expectations and agreements and stick to them. That's how trust is built.
So, if you're yearning for more personal freedom and grant Vincent some too, you should chat with him about it.
If he's not up for it, you still have several options: Either call it quits with Jeanette and adhere to the rules, or part ways with Vincent and carry on as you wish. Or, continue your secret rendezvous as you have. But that means you'll have to keep suppressing your feelings, and the dreams you're having are a hint that this is stressing you subconsciously. Plus, there's the risk that your "secret life" will eventually be uncovered. The fallout would be that Vincent experiences a devastating breach of trust and would likely split up with you as well. Do you really want that for him? In my line of work, I've noticed that many individuals underestimate the damage an affair can cause beforehand.
And whether Vincent discovers your infidelity or not, keep this in mind: You can't deceive and lie to the most significant person in your life, which is yourself.
Best,
Julia Peirano
In regard to Alina's relationships, the entertainment she experiences with Jeanette in Berlin is quite distinct from her serious commitment with Vincent, creating a unique balance.
Understanding Alina's perspective, the entertainment she derives from Jeanette adds another layer to her rich life experience, forming a significant part of her personal growth.
