Challenging the overwhelming trend of perpetual optimism.

Challenging the Pervasive 'Toxic Positivity' Culture

Positive affirmations are a popular phenomenon found almost everywhere - from yoga studios to doctor's office waiting rooms and social media posts. If we feel good about them, we can find them around; but what if we don't?

For mental health advocate and author Dave Tarnowski, the constant encouragement towards "toxic positivity" felt like brainwashing. To turn this positivity on its head, Tarnowski launched his Disappointing Affirmations Instagram account in July 2022, which gained over 2 million followers.

"Disappointing Affirmations: Unfollow your dreams!" encourages readers to explore negative thoughts rather than push them away. Tarnowski's new book "Disappointing Affirmations: Unfollow your dreams!" expands on his social media musings with beautiful photos and his viral Instagram posts, alongside new sayings.

Tarnowski expresses that those negative thoughts actually need affirmation too since "negative thoughts should be examined, not chased away."

His affirmations include: "You can do it! But you probably won't," "Stop overthinking. You are the only one who cares," and "It's okay to have feelings. But do you need to have so many?"

Tarnowski, who deals with depression, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, found that acknowledging his struggles made them more manageable; hence the idea of Disappointing Affirmations.

He admitted to being a pessimist, expecting the worst in all situations. The Disappointing Affirmations Instagram account, established two years ago, let him confront these negative thoughts humorously.

Tarnowski's definition of "making light by shining light" is acknowledging the darkness and laughing at it. He believes that he started understanding his own darkness when he was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. With Disappointing Affirmations, he could showcase negative thoughts, old stories, and worst-case scenarios.

Tarnowski's book offers 80 Disappointing Affirmations that gradually accept oneself, from fear of not being good enough to accepting oneself as is, even if that means the realization of not being good enough. Vulnerability, once seen as a weakness, is now treated as strength.

Through therapy and acceptance, Tarnowski discovered the power of embracing negativity. He views it as a part of himself and let it be as it is. He also takes medication to manage his depressive episodes and anxiety/mania.

The reactions of his audience vary. Many have appreciated his humorous approach to mental health and relate to his thoughts, while others find the affirmations too negative. However, Tarnowski views it positively, highlighting that humor helps make light of such topics.

The Conversation has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: You call your disappointing affirmations a way to "make light by shining light." What do you mean by that?

Dave Tarnowski: I'm making light of the darkness by illuminating it. Initially, I began understanding my own darkness when I received my bipolar disorder diagnosis. As I started researching the illness, I realized I saw myself in it.

There were memes related to mental health issues I was creating for different pages I handled for years, including issues like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and imposter syndrome. When I formed the Disappointing Affirmations Instagram account, I could confront these negative thoughts directly and brighten them with humor.

A fatalist by nature - always expecting the worst, I remember thinking, "Will the store be open yet? I bet it won't. But I'll check anyway." I once thought life was disappointing - happy moments lasting a few days or weeks but inevitably leading to city-wide waterfalls of negativity.

It's almost a contradiction, but if I expected nothing, I would never be disappointed. However, this isn't always the case. I've felt joy, but it's often transient. No matter how good things are, I'm always ready for them to go awry.

CNN: What role has pragmatism played in managing your depression?

Tarnowski: I've discovered that the trick is to let depression be itself. In the past, if I got frustrated with my depression, I'd view it as a powerless, self-loathing situation. But now, I see depression as a part of me, like my manic side - something I can't control.

With the help of my therapists over the years, I've developed a deep understanding of myself, which is crucial. Therapy and medication help manage my struggles. It's no secret that I have a radical self-acceptance attitude these days. Vulnerability used to feel like weakness, but I've learned it's my strength.

Without years of therapy and accepting myself, I wouldn't have tapped into the power of my supposed weaknesses. Accept myself I have.

CNN: What are some reactions your audience has had to your disappointing affirmations?

Where to get help

In the US: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health problems, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Globally: The International Association for Suicide Prevention and Befrienders Worldwide can connect you to crisis centers around the world.

When people tell me that I've saved their lives multiple times, it's a mix of humility and sadness. As a strong advocate for mental health, I've struggled with suicidal thoughts during my life. Thankfully, I managed to pull through those moments. Part of my reason for writing these discouraging affirmations is to connect with those who feel the same way as I did.

The audience I expect to like this book includes those individuals who share my sarcastic sense of humor or just appreciate a good joke. However, there's a group that might misunderstand the nuances of my writing. When I say not to be sad and that I'm making everyone uncomfortable, it comes from years of trying to put on a happy face for others.

I'm not against positive affirmations in general, but I do dislike toxic positivity. Disappointing Affirmations differ from positive affirmations, as they're grounded in the harsh realities of life and often lean towards nihilism. Personally, I may not be the most positive person, but I know what doesn't work for me: affirmations forcing me to see things differently than they really are.

I understand life can be challenging in so many ways, and it's important to have something that doesn't make us feel ashamed for recognizing that. The people who resonate with this collection will likely connect with the affirmations without knowing the specific experiences behind each one. The most significant goal for me is making them feel seen.

I'm essentially playing the role of the person I wish had been present in my childhood during difficult times.

CNN: Did you find a way to cope with depression during your childhood?

*Tarnowski: Writing has been my primary means of coping. I always felt out of place, particularly after a terrible betrayal by my friends in junior high. This event influenced my life in significant ways. To cope with my otherness, I focused on writing stories about unique characters that isolated themselves from their surroundings.

For kids who feel out of sync with their peers, not fitting in isn't solely a negative thing. To thrive, focus on cultivating your reasons to live and shaping your life according to your "why" – as Nietzsche said, "If you know the why, you can live any how."

Terry Ward is a freelance journalist living in Tampa, Florida. He holds the belief that you only experience life once but hates being instructed to smile.

There's also a link to a book in the story which I didn't mention, but you can find it on the image. If you want me to add that, here's how it would look:

Disappointing Affirmations: When Positive Thinking Fails: https://www.amazon.com/Disappointing-Thinking-Fails-Tarnowski-George/dp/1794849552